[martininmelb]

This seems to work for me:

1. This is your time to talk about whatever is on your mind. If you want to talk about the footy over the weekend, that's fine. If you want to talk about work or issues at home or career progression, that's fine.

2. Sometimes there is not much to talk about - and that's fine too. If they do not have much to say on a particular day and I don't have much to say, it's a short meeting.

3. As said previously, try never to reschedule and never, never forget.

4. It's a really good time as a manager to practice listening. For that reason, I never have an agenda (i.e. things I want to say) at these meetings. Also, I try to contain the impulse to give advice unless they specifically ask for it.

5. I make it quite clear that as far as legally possible, I will maintain confidentiality. The only time that something may be relayed upward is if there is requirement for me to do so (e.g. an employee reporting harassment).

[wpietri]

Great list. I agree listening is primary, but I think a manager should work to make sure particular topics get discussed. For some people it's enough just to say "what's on your mind?" But for others I find I need to be more specific.

One thing I make sure we don't talk about is status reports. A lot of people have been trained to do that in a 1:1 and I think that's a waste of time. As a manager it's my job to know what's going on; if I don't I should adjust systems so that I do. So that everybody does.

But the things I really want to dig in on are deeper issues. It's my job to make sure my people are happy at the company and are growing in their careers. So if they don't bring it up on their own I'll ask questions about emotional state and emotional reactions to situations. E.g., "How did you feel about that?" "Are you feeling sufficiently challenged?" "What have you learned this week?"

I also think it's valuable to have a list of ongoing themes and to keep returning to them. Otherwise it's easy for an issue to drop into the background. E.g., somebody has an issue with a coworker, or is feeling bored, or thinks we have too many meetings, or thinks we don't take tech debt seriously enough. People mentioning that even once is a gift: I can't fix systemic problems if I don't know about them. And even if the system is fine, I don't want my people just putting up with their jobs. I want them happy.

So it is definitely their time. But I'm also the person with more experience both in the industry and specifically doing 1:1 meetings. I'm also the person with more power to fix many problems. So if they have anything they want to talk about, I'll honor that for sure. But if they don't, I think it's my job to ask good questions.

[rayvy]

> So if they don't bring it up on their own I'll ask questions about emotional state and emotional reactions to situations

This! All too often management thinks the "Tell me what's on your mind" covers them with the ol' "Well I asked and they didn't say anything" excuse. It absolutely does not.

As a newer hire on my team, sure I feel able to discuss deeper things with my manager. But for better or worse, that doesn't mean I always will. It's leadership's job to get the ball running with these types of deeper questions, rather than just asking "Tell me what's on your mind". Just asking for someone to tell you whatever is on your mind is much too ambiguous and needs to be narrowed in scope.

[Regardsyjc]

Does anyone have tips or resources on how to improve their listening skill? I know I'm a terrible listener because I'm always looking for solutions but I know that 80% of the time, they just want to be heard.

I can barely turn off my thoughts when I'm meditating, how can you give your undivided attention without any internal distractions? What do you do when the conversation feels boring or tedious?

[Twirrim]

Practice, practice, practice. I find it hard as all heck not to be in problem solving mode. That's essentially what we do in the tech industry in our jobs. Take a problem, break it down to manageable chunks and fix the them.

Do some digging around and read up on "Active Listening". The bare bones of it are just to hear what the person is saying, and reflect it back. "It sounds like you're frustrated because <paraphrase>." If you're attempting to accurately paraphrase, it will take quite some concentration on what someone is saying. The devil is in the details, and so is a lot of subtleties.

It might be worth seeing a counsellor, they're trained in, and can help you to develop, these kinds of skills.

[JoeAltmaier]

Instead of thinking about what they're saying, study their emotional cues. Its a skill and it takes attention and practice, and distracts from thinking about solutions.

[dboreham]

>Does anyone have tips or resources on how to improve their listening skill?

Get married?

[MattLeBlanc001]

I think it's more about "Wanting to say something and acting" rather than not listening. You want to act and provide solution because maybe you are an engineer at heart.

Try to count to 3 in your mind before saying something.

I would also invest in hobbies where there is a lot of thinking and less action.

Good: - Chess - Yoga - Anything where you need to wait/think before acting

Bad: - Quick quiz apps - Anything that require you to act quickly

[eeZah7Ux]

Unfortunately some cultures cherish and reward "quick thinking" and action over real thinking.

[etse]

I could see some jobs prioritizing quick, reasonable reactions over long-term optimal solutions, so the culture might be understandably aligned. Maybe site reliability or release eng.

[joshyeager]

Take notes. That forces you to process what they are saying instead of thinking about your response. You’ll have plenty of time to talk when they stop.

[vxNsr]

Instead of trying to come up with solutions focus on being able to repeat back what you just heard, in fact, it might be helpful to the person if you summarize what they said so they know they've been understood. Just stop there, don't offer any advice unless you really believe they're asking for it.

[hliyan]

I keep a notebook and open a new page every time I walk into a meeting. I take down all salient points. If I have trouble putting something down, that's usually an indication I need to ask more questions.

[patagonia]

In my 1-1s (as the subordinate) this note taking sometimes makes me nervous. It begins to feel like a therapy session. “Did I say something wrong? Was I just being weird? Is he gonna hold me to some offhand, throwaway comment I just made???”

If you’re taking notes it helps if you communicate what you’re doing with them, and what exactly you wrote down. I have adjusted my 1-1 conversation to avoid anything that might be considered a commitment or otherwise official. So that I speak very vaguely now. And often avoid issues that are related to my current role or work. In the past not doing so has bit me. Even though I’ve been told the 1-1 time is not about status updates.

[hliyan]

In my case, I jot things down at every meeting so everyone in my team is used to it (or at least I think so).

[zhte415]

It isn't about you providing the answer. It is about you asking questions and later providing options to help them find the answer. And often with this approach they may find a better answer than you were initially thinking.

If the server's on fire and you have a fire extinguisher, use it. Times are rarely so urgent, and in such an occasion you need to debrief and get input anyway.

[murukesh_s]

I am not an expert but I think it's impossible for someone to turn off thoughts. One school of thought is to distract your mind from thoughts by focusing on breathing. Another way is to just observe the thoughts without trying to suppress it. Yet another way is to discover the source of the thought (search for "who am I" by Ramana Maharshi)

[MichaelMoser123]

Reading works of literature, it sort of helps me to understand the people around me. Sometimes it helps to understand people and their motives, sometimes you get to be more compassionate, it depends.

[larrydag]

I follow this too. I try to meet 1:1 biweekly with my direct reports. Here are some ideas on management that I believe will make this effective

1. Try to meet with every one of you direct reports consistently.

2. I believe you should have less than 8 direct reports. The number is not important. Its that you have the time to meet with each one on a consistent basis.

3. If you have a large team then you need to delegate managerial duties. Work with HR if you can't do it directly. At least set up team leads.

[jchendy]

Why only biweekly?

[larrydag]

I want my report to focus on work. I don't want them in too many meetings.

[mbfg]

do reports, in general, want 1 on 1s? i certainly don't. They hold no value to me. They are largely constructed to inform managers as to what's going on, which is something I already know.

[redshirtrob]

This is a great list. I strictly adhered to them all. I also did the following:

1. Created a Google Doc for the direct to enter an agenda ahead of time. They were not required to fill it out. Many did anyway. It helped me prepare to listen, knowing the topics.

2. Scheduled time in a meeting room. I know lots of people like to do the walking 1-on-1s. I don't. I think it's hard to have face-to-face communication when you're standing next to each other, and it's nigh impossible to take any kind of notes. That said, if my direct said: "can we just go for a walk?", I released the meeting room and we went for a walk.

3. Blocked my calendar for 15-30 minutes on either side of the meetings. This ensured I had time to move from one meeting to the next and allowed for a bit of spillover time if necessary (say the previous meeting room occupants were slow in vacating, a common occurrence).

[lifeisstillgood]

Good advice - now we need a catchy rename to get the point across - "listening meeting", "listen:1"?

[sas1ni69]

Footy. Found the Aussie :D

[Angostura]

Or Brit

[tomhoward]

The username would suggest otherwise ;)