[evervevdww221]

My ex-grilfriend married herself in one day, after I accompanied her to a hospital for her "severe insomnia" problem, without even telling me.

Out of sadness and anger, I cut off all of our contacts. A month later, she emailed me saying her psychiatrist said she had suicidal thoughts, and she wanted to see me. I went to see her immediately out of worries. That's the first time for the past 3 years I felt that she was not normal. For example, she was extremely talkative and she jumped between different topics that don't even have any connections. I knew that she had a history of depression for 10 years. But I don't know if it was a mis-diagnosis or her depression had developed into bipolar. She said her marriage decision was made during her maniac episode. She only loved me. But she decided to stay in the wrong marriage, because she couldn't punish her husband for her wrong decision. After making sure she didn't have the suicidal thoughts, I left.

I started to read about bipolar and learnt that during its maniac episode, a patient trends to make high risky decisions that he/she would regret afterwards, including spending lots of money, and having affairs.

And then after a month, she wanted to see me again, for a farewell, because she had to leave the country. She told me she had an affair with another guy and got pregnant. Again, she said she only had loved me, but she made wrong decisions during her maniac episodes. She said I could forget about her because she had turned into a different person, not the same girlfriend I ever had. Even I had read wikipedia and even a website about bipolar infidelity, it was really hard for me to accept everything. Again, out of anger, I told her I despised her and would never trust her. This time she blocked my contacts.

I don't know how I should accept and understand her, forgive her and help her. She mentioned that she wanted to leave me, because she knew I loved her, so she can't become my burden. That deeply saddened me.

For the past a few months, I have trapped myself in a loop of thinking about everything happened and feeling being used and then all the nice time we had together. I struggled a lot, not knowing if I should pick up the phone.

[tartoran]

You're lucky to not have entered more deeply into this relationship. Maybe she sensed you're a nice person and gave you a break. Better suffer a bit now than a whole lot later on.

[antocv]

> Better suffer a bit now than a whole lot later on.

This is just one sentence, you can re-read it many times. Yet, the guy would not really appreciate the depth of its meaning - since he doesnt know what it means to live with a bipolar or close to a bipolar person. Its a circle of hell of its own, he was only slightly touched by the sickness and is still shaken, compared what it can be after longer time. Words just cannot describe how awful mental illnesses are.

[mikekchar]

Yeah, a friend of mine had a similar situation, but understood his girlfriend's condition. He stuck with her for a long time (even when she suddenly got married to a different guy). I don't want to speak for him, but despite the incredibly calm way he handled the many difficult situations he was put into, I know it had a pretty big toll on him. Now he's out of the situation completely and I think he is much happier.

With some mental illnesses, you can't really have an effective relationship. The ill person is literally incapable of it, even if they really want to be capable of it. It is not a kindness to try to have such a relationship -- for either party (imagine the hell of guilt the other person must have towards the OP!). I've had good friends who were mentally ill and even that is quite taxing, but you need to know your limits. Again, it does no good at all to offer something to someone when you have no realistic ability to make it work.

I don't think you need to be nasty about it (usually... sometimes it might come down to that). Even if the person has done incredibly bad things, perhaps having sympathy for both parties (yours and theirs) is appropriate. But as the healthy person, you have to be firm and clear about what is possible -- and incredibly often that is nothing.

I really wish there was another way, but you don't dive into the water to save a drowning person, when you don't know how to swim. Instead of 1 person drowning, there will be 2.

[i_made_a_booboo]

>it's a circle of it's own hell

True and true.

[totierne2]

So I would get more empathy for saying my brother and uncle committed suicide, than saying I have bipolar. Interesting.

[komali2]

That sounds like a hard situation. If you're here looking for an outside perspective, I have one. If not, please don't read further.

It sounds like she has a mental illness, like you suspect. The sad thing about many of those is you just can't do anything about some of them. If a person's disease is so advanced that for example (say Alzheimer's) they don't recognize you / hate you, that's unfortunately the reality of their world and outside of committing them you can't do much but simply be there if you need to.

You've got your own life to manage. trying to manage someone else's, when they're sick to boot, is a monumental effort. Ask anybody with a mentally disabled kid. It's gargantuan. There's no shame at all in deciding you aren't up to the task (in your situation at least).

You've probably heard it, but you shouldn't feel guilty. You've done nothing cruel, you sound like you're being as good a friend / ex lover as you can given the circumstances.

When my friend called me asking me my opinions on the least painful ways to die, I thought it was just another cry for help in 3 years of similar ones. I waited to say something and then they found her body later. Obviously dealt with years of guilt etc over that but I bring it up because I think what the psychs told me can be useful advice for you. They said mental illness is a disease, and just like when your friend gets pneumonia you be there for them, but you let the doctors, the professionals treat them. If they're sick and not going to the doctor you tell them "hey, you should go to the doctor." If you find them laying in the tub unresponsive from pneumonia, you call 911. That's the extent of your responsibility. You aren't a doctor, so don't feel guilty about not being able to somehow treat the disease.

Anyway I'm a person on the internet, if you can afford therapy I say do that, similar to above this is stuff for the professionals and they have good advice.

[Sean1708]

> if you can afford therapy I say do that

I just want to spell this out explicitly because I think it's a very important point, you do not need to have a mental illness to get help from a therapist. Feelings of guilt or shame are perfectly valid reasons to see a therapist, even if they're not caused by a mental illness.

[Regardsyjc]

> I don't know how I should accept and understand her, forgive her and help her. She mentioned that she wanted to leave me, because she knew I loved her, so she can't become my burden. That deeply saddened me.

As someone who struggled with a bipolar diagnosis and now a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, you do not have to accept, understand, forgive, or help her.

In order to accept her you need to accept that she has hurt you and will continue to hurt you unless she decides to make a change. Mental health issues can make a person do bad things but it should never be an excuse. It's possible to get better but it requires work. I think when you separated you realized that you deserved to not be hurt, no matter what, and maybe she felt that way too. In order to forgive and help her, you will have to sacrifice yourself, because you cannot help her until she wants to help herself. I was diagnosed in high school and it took me almost 7 years to get to where I am today.

> For the past a few months, I have trapped myself in a loop of thinking about everything happened and feeling being used and then all the nice time we had together. I struggled a lot, not knowing if I should pick up the phone.

The bad doesn't take away the good times. I'd recommend going no contact to help recover. Do you have anyone you can reach out to? If you have someone you can talk to, catch up with, get a drink/coffee/shoot the shit with, they should be able to help you break you out of your loops and see the bad and good things better. And as someone commented below, therapists are the best. Wish you the best.

[spopovich]

You have no idea how much I relate to this man, I had almost the same exact experience with an ex of mine except that I was the catalyst to a large chunk of the problems she ended up experiencing.

My girlfriend was an old friend from high school that I reconnected with after many years. We clicked instantly and started dating shortly thereafter. Slowly she let me in on her struggles with depression and bipolar disorder. I was openly supportive but I never paid it any mind since she seemed the same as anyone else whenever we were together.

Fast forward a number of months and things quickly unravel. Out of nowhere she starts shutting me out and acting erratic. Then she breaks up with me. A week or so passes and she reaches out asking for some of her stuff back. I oblige and we meet up. Afterwards, she starts telling me about how she misses me and how she made a rash decision. We start sleeping together again but she's still being distant.

Fast forward another month or so and I finally learn the truth. She broke up with me because her ex reached out to her and she didn't know how to handle it. Then she got back together with me out of impulse, but she didn't know what to do since her ex had already moved back in at that point.

Where our stories differ is that I kept on seeing her after finding out about the boyfriend because I didn't want to abandon her. One day she'd tell me that she was only with him because she needed the financial support that he was able to provide her, then on another she'd talk about him like he was the greatest thing to ever happen to her.

Eventually things came to a head and she blocked me out of the blue. Later on I found out that she was actually pregnant and had an abortion. At the time I was so angry at her for everything but in hindsight I think she did me a great favor. Mental illness is nothing to scoff at and being with a person burdened by it is a struggle regardless of how much love you have for them. I don't think she's a bad person and I'm greatly indebted to her for forcibly removing me from her life.