[ams6110]

Yeah I'm not German (except by ancestry) and I get really uncomfortable when conversations go like that. Why is this guy trying to convince me he's such a great dad? What's his angle with that? I would definitely not take something like that as a sincere "personal disclosure" from someone I'd never met. I'd take it as more like a greasy salesman tactic.

[mariodiana]

I don't know if you're familiar with the title (it's a classic on the subject), but my understanding is that, in China, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is sold under the title: "The Weaknesses of Human Nature."

One more anecdote about that book. In his Playboy interview, Marlon Brando referred to it as "a book on hustling."

I bring this up because for some crazy reason, in the United States, this kind of "interpersonal communications" stuff is promoted as a great thing. And yet, like you say, it boils down to a person having an angle. I read that book when I was a freshman in college and thought it was fantastic. A little while later though I read the Marlon Brando interview, and after my initial shock I realized that he was basically right.

For every individual who develops a "genuine interest in other people" (as the book implores its readers to do), there have to be five or ten others who read that book and think only how it will help them make a buck.

At least the Chinese are unsentimental about it.

[crucini]

However Carnegie doesn't advocate self-disclosure. Quite the opposite - he advises shutting up about yourself (and your organization, product, etc.) and listening to the other person.

[1337biz]

That's the way I understood his writings as well. The older I get the more I disagree on that. It is just as important to share and position one's own identity and actively communicate it.

[pensast]

In most East Asian cultures, there's no need for this type of small talk if you can find a personal connection with them.

For example, if you are a friend of a friend of a friend, then you're "in."

Since most East Asians will refer to their cousins as brothers or sisters directly, they also consider friends of friend's to be their direct friend.

Of course if you're a stranger, then you're a complete stranger. Whereas in American culture, we are much more polite to strangers.

[wollstonecraft]

Did not believe this until http://www.renxingruodian.com/

[1337biz]

Do you have a link or other pointer to that Brando interview. Couldn't find it.

[Danihan]

Most people are nowhere near interesting enough to develop a genuine interest in.

[mmmpop]

I would agree entirely because I recognized this sometime in my early 20s and never looked back. Now I have a very, very select handful of friends that are all incredible people, but can't get along easily with 4 out of 5 people... I think mostly because I'm suspicious of why they're being personable and talking to me right now. Hell, I think Dale Carnagie made me so jaded I can't function in society, but that's mostly on me.

[prawn]

Because it's too verbose. Better left as "Bob: Sounds great. Glad you didn't say Wednesday because I'm with my daughters that day."

Seems more incidental and less tactical. Leave it to the listener to comprehend that Bob has a regular day caring for children. It's also enough for the listener to share that they also have kids, etc.

[thegayngler]

Have you ever thought that maybe you may be the one with the personality problem? Why would anyone assume the worst of someone else trying to make a good impression on them?

I just try to be as much of myself as I can. No use trying to please people looking to find offense. It's exhausting worrying all of the time about what other people think. It's easier for me to just be myself and make no apologies for it. If they like me great. If they don't, that is fine too. Can't please everyone and don't have the time to focus on pleasing everyone.

Additionally, I am perfectly happy if someone thinks I'm important enough to them that they need to sell themselves to me or would even want to put in the effort to build a personal relationship with me.

[Swizec]

FWIW there's a saying that goes: "Never trust someone who is too nice to you"

In fact, there's at least one study that has shown that "those who are highly nice to their peers are more likely to stab them in the back than their less polite counterparts"

ymmv and all that, but there's a fine line between being friendly and coming off as a slimy salesman. Many (most?) people's defenses go waaaay up if you cross that line.

I know people who cultivate the self-disclosure thing and it always comes off as kind of awkward and weird. A little bit forced, you know? Like, this feels very calculated, why are you doing this.

[1] http://vene.ro/betrayal/niculae15betrayal.pdf

[77pt77]

This kind of "cultivated extroversion" is a very american quality.

[tjr225]

I'm extroverted in this way, but it is very much who I am. I suppose I am just very American.

[enraged_camel]

I guess if you're a cynical person you will look for an "angle" in everything people say or do. Living life like that must be miserable.

[Danihan]

Or it's extremely soothing because you're never surprised by anyone's selfish intentions...

[enraged_camel]

I don't see how second-guessing everyone's motivations and looking for hidden motives in every single thing they say or do can be "soothing", but to each his own.

[icebraining]

It's the Scout's motto applied to interpersonal relationships. It can be soothing in the same way that keeping an emergency kit can be soothing.

[mmmpop]

As a cynic, yeah it sucks, but a lot of time it develops as a defense mechanism and feels like it can be defeated with a lot of soul-searching, self-improvement, and just trying.

[kome]

I agree with you.