[jeffwass]

>"I became an online dating magician who knew how to optimize a profile — A/B testing pictures and message. If I changed my profile picture and got more “likes” as a result, that meant it was better. I was tracking data, which made it easy to see what performed best.

>This one worked, probably because it hides the bulging stomach and the balding head."

No, your A/B test doesn't mean it's 'better', unless you're counting only number of first dates.

But you keep talking about finding "The One".

So here's some unsolicited advice - you are optimising the wrong variable.

If you're really looking for "The One", instead optimise number of dates that remain interested in you after the first or later, not maximising the number of first dates.

And along this line - use a picture that is more representative of yourself? If you're worried about potential dates being turned off by the bald head and bulging stomach, won't they be turned off when they meet you in person?

At that point it becomes game theory, do you aim for more first bites with lower followup success, in hopes that your personality shines through?

Do you cast a wide net, as you're doing, and exert a LOT of effort with first dates hoping you don't risk losing a potential "the one"?

Or should you be yourself from the beginning, "happy to be a hippo" so to speak[1]. You'll probably get fewer first bites, but ones that get through have shown they don't care about your balding head and bulging stomach.

Though I haven't been on the dating scene in 16 yrs, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

[1] https://www.quora.com/What-does-happy-as-a-hippo-mean

[dlevine]

+1 million

I've done a lot of dating over the years, and have discovered that the most important thing is finding someone who likes me for who I am. At various points I went on so many dates that I worried that the right person wasn't out there, or that maybe I was meeting her and not knowing it.

The truth is that it's hard to find someone who is a good match, especially by the time you get into your 30s and have a fair bit of life experience. If you meet your partner at 30 vs 20, you have lived 50% longer and had a lot more experiences that have shaped your preferences.

But it definitely can be done. I've noticed that a fair number of people who were perpetually single eventually met the right person and settled down in their 30s or even 40s (I just went to the wedding of a friend who is in his mid-40s).

[udkl]

My go-to resource for relationship and marriage advice is the waitbutwhy article - https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html and Mark Manson's website - https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice

[pm90]

> If you're worried about potential dates being turned off by the bald head and bulging stomach, won't they be turned off when they meet you in person?

Depends on what they are looking for, really. You would be surprised at how many PEOPLE, both men and women, are lonely and looking for companionship. And its very easy to swipe but meeting in person you tend to notice other attractive qualities.

I agree it is misleading and a little deceptive though. Personally, I don't do it, but I'm trying to explain how it may not be the worst thing in the world to do it.

[jeffwass]

I know what your saying, but unless I misinterpreted, the author was lamenting how most of his 150 first dates were a waste of his time.

so that's where he has to decide.

150 dates with potentially little bite, or maybe 10 (or less?) dates where his worries are almost guaranteed not to be an issue. Of course zero first dates is not good either.

Given his interest in experimenting like this, I'd be curious to see if he did a follow up using the above strategy.

[pm90]

Ah good point. My expectation is that (unfortunately) he would probably get 0 dates. The online dating world is MUCH too competitive, to the point of absurdity.

[user5994461]

It's tinder, it's easy.

As you can see in his article, just ask her on a date and get her number. It takes about 3 messages.

[Kalium]

> Or should you be yourself from the beginning, "happy to be a hippo" so to speak[1]. You'll probably get fewer first bites, but ones that get through have shown they don't care about your balding head and bulging stomach.

You're absolutely right! People should be filtering for quality over quantity! That said, is it possible you're running on the assumption that the people we're concerned with here can reasonably expect to believe they will find a result-set with such a strategy?

For a lot of people, the situation they're in is that they've been themselves for quite a long time now and are getting few-to-no bites. The suggestion that they should double down on this strategy is thus somewhat less than maximally appealing.

[pm90]

I 100% agree with being oneself but there are some unfortunate human pitfalls which prevents human beings from communicating their true value to others quickly and in an attractive manner. e.g. A guy may be kinda sorta balding, but he might turn out to be the best dad in the world. How is he supposed to convey that value to his potential mates?

This is why I recommend at least paying lip service to notions of fashion and social behavior. One doesn't need to become an outgoing extrovert, only to be able to use the signals that society associates with attractive mates. For males, this is: confidence, good style and posture, hygiene etc.

[user5994461]

There are plenty of great dads who are not bald.

[SebastianStadil]

Thanks for the advice, Jeff.

I didn't have too much trouble getting to the second or third dates, and you are correct in that the goal of the least bad profile pic was to get myself in a position to have my humor work for me ("personality shine through").

Perhaps the most controversial part of the process was treating dating like a hiring process, kind of like picking a co-founder.

[jeffwass]

Thanks Sebastian for the interesting writeup.

Glad you had many second or third dates. My impression from the article was that most were first-only dates.

I mentioned this in a comment below - given your scientific approach and A/B testing to data, I'd be quite curious to know how it would work out if you tried my suggestion.

Ie - a 'normal' photo of yourself, not intentionally or overly bad, but not a cherry-picked one that tries to hide the features you were worried about.

Someone who responded to me below thinks you wouldn't get any swipes. I have exactly zero Tinder experience, but in my naive opinion I think and hope you'd get at least a few.

And you could rest reasonably assured that those dates that do come through won't care much about those features.

And maybe the knowledge that they swiped anyway would put you more at ease on the date, to let your humour and personality shine through even brighter.

[monksy]

You can't find "the one" without having a good conversion rate from your audience. Also, some of dating is about finding your hidden biases and becoming better the next time about being honest about them.

[Someone]

You need a both a good conversion rate from the part of the audience where you stand a decent chance of success in the long run and a sufficiently large number of 'samples'.

I think https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/research/publication/why-do-... discusses somewhat the same problem in a different context. It concludes:

"Finally, this approach suggests an answer to the question in the title. Far-fetched tales of West African riches strike most as comical. Our analysis suggests that is an advantage to the attacker, not a disadvantage. Since his attack has a low density of victims the Nigerian scammer has an over-riding need to reduce false positives".

Difference here is that most people wouldn't get the false positive ratio that the typical scammer gets so you probably should try a bit harder to look good on a dating site. I think hiding your baldness goes too far, though.

I think those who have a large amount of false positives know this. If, say, you need a wheelchair to move around, almost everybody would know it doesn't make sense to hide that, if the goal is to get into a relationship.