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I wasn't at that school anymore when that happened, but a classmate killed himself when he was 18. He stabbed himself in the heart, and he fucking succeeded. He was a very kind and gentle person. Good looking and well built, even. Very into death metal. I still should have his tape of death metal songs he recorded for me. In hindsight he would probably have made a good friend, but he never dared to really reach out to people and we kinda overlooked him, took him for granted. I think the trigger was having failed his drivers license. Other than that, and that he had strict and cold parents, I basically knew nothing of him, and I can't guess at his mind state or the reasons. But I know that they weren't good reasons. Time has this funny way of putting adolescence into perspective, and it makes stuff like this more tragic and pointless with every passing day. I also worked at a cancer ward for a bit, and a nurse told me a patient once offered her some obscene amount of money to kill them. Of course she didn't do it, but, you know.. it's hard. But that's far off from something like my classmate, or Kurt Cobain for that matter, whom I also consider a waste. Toughing it out is always even more brave. I'm not in a position to command anyone to live, but I would rather err on the side of life. So many things are a matter of perspective, of lighting, and it's such a big thing to throw away. If you're ready to kill yourself, you're not losing anything if you life longer, and suffer some more, do you? I mean, the second you die, your memory of whether you suffered 5 seconds or 50 years would be equally gone. I say this as someone who went through dark times, too. But whenever I pictured something like actually putting my neck on a train track, and a train incoming, I KNEW it would make the hair on my neck stand up and shoot up like a bolt, I couldn't even do it in fantasy. I'm glad for that, I know that's not something I can take credit for, and loosing the will is nothing to be ashamed of IMHO either, I never thought low of that classmate for example. But a tragedy is a tragedy, damnit! Don't be one :( |
The same reasoning can be used to argue that there's no reason to live even a happy life: you're not gaining anything, since your memory will be gone anyway.