[ci5er]

What about a king size bed? With dual twin size coverings? I'm not judging - but sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no?

I was married for a long while - and I miss it. That said - she only weighed 95 pounds, so maybe not having to deal with king-kong in my bed helped.

[pavel_lishin]

> sleeping in the other room or on the other bed seems to defeat the point of being together, no?

I think that sleeping together (in the literal, dictionary sense) is the least together-thing you're doing as a couple, because you're literally not even aware of the time.

[lloeki]

As someone who has only recently broken up from an intense 10+ year relationship I can assure you it's not. From the moment we got to bed to the instant one of us sort of woke-up-but-not-quite and subconsciously reached for the other, the mere presence of each one's SO was incredibly soothing. This was an incredibly privileged moment that I cherished for all of those years, that is made all too painful now by it's sorely missed absence•. Sure sometimes one of us would wake up at night and inconvenience the other (and a pillow or three was definitely thrown, as well as one of us occasionally going to read a book and maybe crash too in the sofa on a sleepless night, and more often than not we would regularly wake up to the absence of the other some time later, and get out of bed to check out if everything was fine) but the togetherness was real.

While I perfectly understand that each couple finds it's own way, subsuming being asleep to be like some sort of deep, nightlong, perceptionless coma is just incorrect.

• God I miss those night kicks.

[ci5er]

Maybe so. But, for me, subliminally - it feels when I wake up that there is a felt difference from having spent the night alone or not. But, again, maybe that's just me.

[pavel_lishin]

I think it's a personal thing. I feel better after having slept all night alone - because we're not kicking each other in our sleep all night.

[ci5er]

Makes sense. I (we) had that when we first moved to the US, and were not spending the night in adjacent futons. We got a bigger bed - and it helped. But I can see how that would work or not depending on...

[rconti]

hahaha, my investment in a king-sized bed has not increased the amount of space I have in bed since we shared a queen, but let me tell you, my wife has ALL THE ROOM IN THE WORLD! And she's only a hair over the size of your ex.

One thing I've realized, though, is it doesn't make a big difference to me. We're both fairly deep sleepers though occasionally my snoring wakes her and she nudges me and I roll over. We also have a couple of cats on the bed, and when they were kittens I'd sometimes wake up and yell at them for scratching elsewhere in the house.

What I've realized is, despite waking up more often, I'm not significantly less well-rested. I only seem to wake to a cat pawing my scalp or my wife rolling over when I'm already in very light sleep anyway, so it's no problem.

[ci5er]

Ha! I have a friend that at 5am, his cat will walk up on his chest and tap his left eyelid with an extended index claw. Tap tap tap. Smart critters. They freak me out.

But, I hear you.

[Broken_Hippo]

You've not shared a bed with someone that wakes you. I'm that person.

I snore. It wakes my spouse up at night, which causes him to wake me up... sort of. I'm not always conscious of him waking me, but I will temporarily roll over. I sleep pretty heavily (and always have), so waking me is difficult. I sleep more poorly when we share a bed, and he most definitely does.

The best solution we've found is one of us going into another room. Earplugs help little: He still needs to hear the alarm. I cannot be trusted to wake to them with regularity (living on my own, I'm occasionally late to work if I work early). They have vibrating alarms for the hard of hearing that might work out, but I have not tried.

We still have cuddle time if we should choose it and still do normal "bed" activities. If we both sleep well, we are both happier during the day. The payoff is definitely worth it. We occasionally sleep in the same room if he sleeps earlier than me, using our own blankets (common here in Norway). Which again, defeats the point for some folks but is really great because we both stay at a more optimal temperature, keeping us sleeping better than sharing.

[salad77]

If you snore that badly, consider visiting a respiratory and sleep specialist to test for sleep apnea. That level of snoring is not normal - you should not be waking people with your snoring and if you are tired in the morning and being late for work, that's an indication it is negatively affecting your life (and that of others too).

Been there. Done that.

After a sleep study, I started using a CPAP machine and it totally turned my sleep and life around.

[Broken_Hippo]

I've considered going to the doctor for the snoring. I generally wake well-rested so long as I sleep 7-8 hours.

For me, the sleep thing is something I've had since I was a child and isn't connected to the snoring. I have a later body clock than most folks. I was the child that refused to wake to open christmas presents and i've always slept soundly like this. My poor mother had to fight with me through school. I sometimes simply don't hear alarm clocks, unfortunately - which nearly disappears if I wake at 9-10.

[toasterlovin]

I'm that person in our marriage. I have noticed that my snoring is really bad when I'm exhausted by life (kids aren't letting us sleep, stressed out, etc). We have an arrangement where my wife kicks me out if she can't sleep and I spend the night on the couch. By definition, if I'm so tired that I'm snoring like that, sleeping on the couch is no big deal.

As far as vibrating alarms go: I use my Apple Watch as my alarm. It's set to silent, so it just vibrates when it's time for me to wake up. For the most part, my wife is never aware of it going off. It's been a total game changer for me.

[tlrobinson]

+1 for a king sized. Also memory foam.

My wife and I went to a mattress store and tested out every mattress. One of us would close our eyes while the other got on the mattress and rolled over. When we couldn't tell when the other was moving we had our mattress.

It ended up costing like $3000, but if you can afford it I think that's a small price for something both of you will use literally ~30% of every day.