[genericperson]

It's not easy to defend yourself against sexist accusations, except that I have proof that I'm an activist and I've rallied for women rights and LGBT rights. Does it exclude the possibility of me being sexist? No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

I do consider the possibility that I made a bad impression. In fact I'm well aware that was a mistake and I tried to fix it by making up for it in any way possible. But it has been 2 months now and it's not getting better so I'm running out of ideas but I appreciate your perspective and I agree with you in part.

Thanks for your input.

Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

[cjbprime]

> It's not easy to defend yourself against sexist accusations, except that I have proof that I'm an activist and I've rallied for women rights and LGBT rights. Does it exclude the possibility of me being sexist? No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

Perhaps this is a nitpicking aside, but let me be clear -- I think there is no correlation at all between attending a feminist rally and not exhibiting general workplace sexism. The idea that attending a rally would make you immune to issues like unconscious biases, sexist condescension, assumptions about technical competence, talking over someone, etc is as ridiculous as the idea that attending an NBA game is a demonstration of proof that you are a competent basketball player. The fact that you even brought it up puts your entire understanding of this situation into doubt for me.

> Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

It's tough. You say you're being bullied at work, and if you are, then you have few options -- by definition, bullying involves an unreasonable abuser and an innocent victim. Most of the plausible and good outcomes in this case involve you finding a way to no longer work with this person.

But if you'd instead posted "Ask HN: My coworker screamed at me and told someone else I'd been sexist. What do I do?" then I'd be able to give a very different answer, probably starting with:

(a) I would assume that I had, in fact, done something sexist and upsetting.

(b) I'd ask the person who was upset with me if I could meet privately with them, and I'd tell them that I felt terrible about it; that I badly want to heal the working relationship; that I respect their work and want to put effort into not upsetting them again; that I don't understand what I did but that I understand that this doesn't mean that I didn't do anything, and so on.

[obstinate]

> No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

I would avoid this attitude. Assume there are areas where you can improve in this dimension. The fact that you're being defensive on this point here with us is not a good signal. It makes me think that maybe you are being defensive at work as well.

The correct response to this is, "I'll keep that in mind and look for ways to improve." There is zero room for making statements about how good you are on this point or any other, except through action. There is no way talking up your own qualities can help.

> Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

Personally, I'd go the direct conversation route. Schedule a one-on-one, say, "I've gotten the impression that our relationship doesn't have the professional trust I would like it to. I'd like to understand what I can do better." Take radical steps to demonstrate good faith. Never complain, never defend.

I was actually in this situation lately, but on the other side of the table. I had a person under my leadership who had been disgruntled and unsatisfied, and I had to go to them and basically say, I'm sorry I've been a bad lead, but I want to repair this. We had a long conversation where I basically took responsibility for every bad thing that had happened, and pledged to improve. Since then, there's been a night and day improvement in our professional relationship.

If it were a peer, I might suggest something different, because bullying in this case might be a way for the peer to assert extra-organizational power over you. But this individual already has organizational power over you -- what you perceive as bullying is probably not about obtaining more power.

Or it could be a rare case where the other individual has some sort of sociopathic tendencies. In which case there is probably not much you can do. But nine times out of ten this is not the situation.

[amag]

> "I've gotten the impression that our relationship doesn't have the professional trust I would like it to. I'd like to understand what I can do better."

This! Use these words exactly! How she responds to this will show you what it's all about. Either she gives you concrete examples of what she thinks the problems are and how you two can solve them or she will continue as before. If it's the latter there's probably nothing that will make her change.

> Never complain, never defend.

And this! Even if you 100% in the right, complaining about person A to person B will have a significant chance of you losing face in the eyes of person B (exceptions: you either know person B extremely well (e.g. spouse) or person B has also experienced the faults of person A). Acting defensively will seem as if you're not willing to learn or see your own flaws.

[edblarney]

"It's not easy to defend yourself against sexist accusations, except that I have proof that I'm an activist and I've rallied for women rights and LGBT rights."

You do not need to show any 'credentials'. It doesn't matter what things you 'belong to'. You don't need to cower in defence such accusations or 'prove that you're not' something. If in all your self-awareness, you know you're not sexist, well then - you're surely not. The accusations are unfair and baseless.

More extreme: imagine someone accuses you of being a pedophile - you don't react by saying 'how much you love children and would never do such a thing'. Heyzeus! Just act with firm integrity and dismiss the accusation outright and make sure it's known that the accusations are unfair and baseless.

[amag]

> If in all your self-awareness, you know you're not sexist, well then - you're surely not

At least not intentionally. You must still be aware that we all have subconscious biases which can sometimes make you act or say something that can be interpreted as sexist by another party. Maybe a female coworker feels that you are mansplaining things to her but not to your male coworkers?