[fmatthew5876]

So what if you got socially rejected in younger years? That's no excuse for anything and it's time to grow up. Social skills are just that.. a skill. Skills can be acquired through training and practice. I know because I went through all of this personally. A lot of nerds never try because they are too scared of other people and have low self esteem. Social value is an illusion, one you can craft if you know how. The first step is stop being selfishly always inside your own head and actually listen to the other person.

Not all of us were naturals or were taught this by our parents. But now we are adults and there are a lot of resources out there about social skills in work, life, and dating. Try it, and you and your new beautiful wife might find your career success going beyond anything you could have imagined. Not because you became a better programmer, but because you made connections and knew the right people.

[mercer]

> I know because I went through all of this personally.

Apologies for a bit of a rant. It's not targeted at you specifically, but the above statement prompted it.

I'd just like to say that some of the most un-empathic people I know use such statements as an excuse to judge others rather than understand them (let alone empathize).

I've met more than once person who worked themselves up from poverty and because they could, everyone can and should, and those who don't are clearly just not trying hard enough.

The same goes for quite a few people who grew up with shitty parents, mental health issues, religion, and so on.

Now to some degree I get that; plenty of people are just excited about their solution to their problem and just mistakenly believe that if only others would do as they did, they'd be happier. In my church-going years we called these people 'recent converts'.

But quite often there's more than just a little condescension to it, and I really, really dislike that.

I've been privileged in many ways, and I try to be aware of that. But I've also had it hard in many ways, and the most hurtful and unproductive comments were of the 'just do <x>, it worked for me' or even the usually-only-implied "you're just not trying hard enough" variety.

These kinds of statements were particularly painful if the person who said them actually had experienced similar problems, because it would give their words more weight, more legitimacy, and it would make my problem something to feel ashamed about because clearly I'm just not trying hard enough; surely they would know.

The thing is, even if it's true, it doesn't help other than make those who make these statements feel good about themselves.

I just wanted to say that. I do agree with the gist of you comment. Learning social skills has been extremely beneficial to me, and much of that didn't come naturally! And I wish there was a class for that for those who somehow haven't learned these things, because that sucks.