[thro32]

I was married to such person for 8 years. I physically aged 40 years, and I got gray hair.

My best advice is to get out NOW if you can. Maybe things are working out now, but you are barely floating. Add normal family life into picture: children, job loss, some injury, any sort of accident... and you will sink to bottom faster than a stone.

[deanCommie]

The first love of my life had severe depression. It was heartbreaking and awful. After we ended after 2 years (not directly due to the depression), I told myself that as much as I loved her, I would never allow myself to get in a relationship with someone like that again. It's too much.

The second love of my life had issues like anyone else, but the depression and anxiety didn't REALLY manifest themselves until a year into our marriage, after we were together for 6. I wanted to run. I wanted to quit. Not from the depression alone but because she refused to acknowledge a problem until it got REALLY bad. But she promised she would work on it, she promised we'd talk to a counsellor. I stayed. She went on anti-depressants. We talked to a counsellor. We got through it. Things got good again.

But they'll never be 100%. In the year since then, there have been 2 more dips. Each time, like the last, she refused to acknowledge a problem, I faced the decision "Well, either the person I love is a terrible person who I don't want to be with, or they're suffering from something, and I need to be there to help them." Each time she finally admitted a problem, and things got better. But she doesn't want to talk to a counsellor anymore. She's too stubborn, too independent, doesn't want to admit weakness. (Not because I would judge - I'm much more the empathetic and emotionally open of the two of us). So I don't expect us to be ever 100% again.

All this to say that I would give the exact same advice as you, thro32. If you still have the choice early, get out while you can.

[arghIdontwantto]

Not sure why you are being downvoted. It may seem crass, but it is true. In the last 6-7 years I seem to have mentally and physically aged twice as much if not more. WE are still together but honestly, I don't think I can handle this much more to the point I'm getting depressed as well (suicide thoughts)

[Sgt_Apone]

> I don't think I can handle this much more to the point I'm getting depressed as well (suicide thoughts)

I'd strongly suggest telling someone how you are feeling if you have not already. I've been there myself where my significant other was having physical health issues and I was just spent emotionally, physically and financially. That discussion with my spouse and family was a big turning point for all of us for the better.

[arghIdontwantto]

I have, for the first time in 5 years, yesterday I opened up to someone with all of this. People around me know she has 'problems' but not what I'm going through or how I feel. As for my wife, we've talked about this many times, but due to her illness, even if she tries to take the load off my back, it just doesn't work and things go back to 'normal' in a few days. I rather have this so-so state even though I'm in pain and exhausted, but at least my son doesn't suffer for it than put more responsibility on her so I can get better and have my son be the victim of it.

[Sgt_Apone]

That's good that you've reached out. I hope you work through it all for the better. I know it's easier said than done, but just remember to take care of yourself in whatever way that you can. Your wellbeing is always worth fighting for.

[googletazer]

Is it worth it? Staying out of "obligation" or "guilt"?

[sankae]

I see my wife as "family."

You don't abandon family.

Then again I'm Asian so perhaps our sense of family is different. For example, we often treat our cousins like siblings.

[nathan_f77]

You should never make a blanket statement like "you don't abandon family." There are many situations where the best (and only) option is to get away. This includes both your spouse and your family. Abuse is one obvious example.

I'm not saying that we should run away at the first sign of mental health issues. I just think that there are plenty of situations where it might be the right decision. It's obvious in extreme cases, but the decision will always be extremely difficult.

For what it's worth, I think most people view their spouse as "family". It's hard to imagine a different arrangement.

[nommm-nommm]

I agree with you. My parents are very, very toxic people. I still see them a couple times a year but the best thing I ever did for myself was stop trying to have any kind relationships with them.

[arghIdontwantto]

Honestly, it isn't. But I'm waiting until I can sort somethings that are related to my kid so he doesn't have to suffer. After that, I think I'll be out, but until then, I need to 'put up' with it for his sake.

[11thEarlOfMar]

Consider the impact on the children of anxiety sufferers. If not successfully treated, they can suffer even more greatly than a spouse. Children are a source of anxiety even for healthy parents. If you're married to an abnormally anxious spouse, wait to have kids until/unless it is managed.

[beat]

I'm married to someone with anxiety, and our now-adult daughter has anxiety issues far worse than her mother does. Mental health issues are biological and usually genetic in nature. Frankly, mental health is far worse in my own family than it is in my wife's family, so I suspect the issues our children face are genetically more my responsibility than hers.

As an extrovert, it's generally my role in the family to go deal with stuff for them and run interference socially. My wife often takes me to social functions just so I can hold the conversations for her. I know she needs it, so I do it.

[maxxxxx]

I commend you for helping your wife with social functions. I am often extremely shy and socially inept and I think it would help me a lot if somebody took me by the hand and helped me through those situations. Most people have no sympathy for this problem "Just go out there and have fun" is really bad advice.

[beat]

A friend of mine said something wonderfully complementary recently. She said I'm the kind of extrovert that makes introverts more comfortable, rather than less comfortable. That in itself is a very sensitive statement, distinguishing out the extroverts who treat introverts like doormats. :(

Not to say introversion and anxiety are the same thing. My daughter is actually pretty extroverted, as long as she feels comfortable and in control, but when her anxiety kicks in, she becomes painfully shy.

[tixocloud]

I also have reason to believe that it's also related to one's upbringing.

That being said, I think you're doing a noble thing. By taking little steps to overcome these issues are the best way to get through the root cause.

[dominotw]

Not sure why you are being downvoted. Curious, was you wife working during these 8 years?

[thro32]

No, she was at home. I worked from home as well.

[markharris99]

I upvoted you. Please do not downvote, if you have never been with someone who is seeking specialised help with anxiety issues. You simply don't realise the enormity of the problem.

I was with someone who had very very high anxiety issues. She also had ADHD and I'm sure some other disorders. She was on lexipro, lorazepam, clonazepam, diazepam, zoloft and other medications.

Thankfully I was with this person for just 1 year.

I was able to get out, but at such cost to my own mental health. Even after 6 years, I still don't have my own pieces together. It's like they say, once something has broken. You just can't put it back together the way it was.

> My best advice is to get out NOW

Best advice ever. You have my admiration if you are able to work it out and have an understanding partner. Unfortunately, I did not have an understanding partner. Even though, I moved heaven and earth to be there for her in every way, it just was not enough.

Although I should be saying, I hope she finds happiness. Except, I really feel bad for the guy she is with now. As her baggage is enormous. Instead, I hope she is getting the professional help she needs!

[epx]

Gets better when she has an issue but does not admit it, and when he has an issue, he is just "inventing" it, because you know, men are privileged and can't have problems?

[thro32]

I am giving advice against starting family with someone, who can barely take care of themselves.