Ask HN: I am 21 and lost

[chowraid]

Hello I am 21 and seem lost. I can't seem to figure out what is it that I want to do with my life. The friendships that I have seem false, why is that. Has someone past through this same experience?

[noobermin]

There is no "general advice" for "finding yourself", although that might not be what you asked. It's most likely also true for finding out what you want to do in life[0]. Figuring these things out is very personal and dependent on your personal history, and there are few general princples. If you feel you really need help, it might be beneficial to talk to a counselor who can provide more personalized help. There are few formulae that apply to all person's situations.

As an illustrating example, I don't know what you mean by "friendships are false." What do you mean by that? Do you have many acquaintances and no close friends or were you recently betrayed by someone whom you consider a close friend? This is something you need to sit down with someone else and talk about.

[0] With respect to this, many people say they don't know what they want to do until they do it, but then again, some people know from when they are 6 they want to be a doctor/scientist/professor and, lo and behold, that guides their life and they do it. It really depends on your personality and goals and that can only be weened out of a 1-on-1 conversation, IMO, again, very few general principles here.

[chowraid]

Thank you for your advice. "friendships are false" by that I mean; that my "friends" only need and ask for my help wen in deep trouble, and I don't feel they are asking the way as a favor. For some reason my "friends" seem fake.

[noobermin]

I perhaps might not be the best person to get advice from on this because I am an introvert (recently retook Myers-Briggs and it placed me as an moderate introvert, although in the past I've been at extreme). I have spent days at a time happily alone, not talking to anyone, so I care less about what others think compared to most people I know. I've learned to just say no when favors would drag on my resources and the situation isn't dire enough. I would suggest having similar boundaries.

It may be different for you though, you may want these people to like you or be your friend, so perhaps you can't do that?

Again, I suggest talking to a counselor who would probably have better experience dealing with different types of people.

[wyldfire]

You haven't included enough details for anyone to provide meaningful help. But I'll try.

I think many of the folks who don't feel lost (or feel less so) operate on some measure of momentum, following a well-trodden path of finish secondary/high school, get degree, get job, [get family] (last step is optional). Those tend to consume enough cycles that there's none left over to feel lost.

People who take a step back and ask "what am I even doing here? Why would I want this job over that one?" would probably find more frustration than those who don't.

Friendships are a real challenge. It requires significant investment to find friends to begin with. If somehow they turn out to not be good friends, you must keep searching for new ones. Keep in mind that friendships require you to work for your part in the friendship as well. If you're lucky enough to have friends at your workplace, that's a huge win.

[chowraid]

I know my question seemed vague, and lacked information. I never thought about it that way. I will try my best to focus on what is ahead and work out a definite plan to follow.

Thank you.

[throwaway_java]

Hi.

Yes, that sounds pretty normal for someone your age. My advice would be stay fit and healthy (eat, sleep, exercise properly) and think about smaller goals that you can realistically achieve rather than dwelling on the big picture too much. For what it's worth I think a lot of people find their teens and twenties a pretty hard time (I certainly did) so don't think you are alone in that. You don't have to know all the answers right now.

About the false friendships thing -- perhaps they are and perhaps not, I suspect it's a combination of not having met people you really click with, over thinking things, and a general effect of your particular age that you're still finding where you fit in.

If you can, keep open communication with your parents/grandparent/siblings and close friends about what you around going through, or a counselor or other trusted adult if you need (there's no shame in getting some good advice about life and help to sift through your thoughts)

Maybe don't frame it as "figuring out what to do with my life" as a whole but rather many smaller experiences which will eventually add up to the whole thing.

Most people can't estimate and plan a 3 month IT project particularly accurately, let alone entire lifetime!

:)

[chowraid]

That may be it. Maybe I need to find friends who I really click with,aside from the current ones that I have.

Focusing on small things/projects is what I will start doing. The last thing you wrote reminded me of something I had already long forgotten. Sincerely thank you.

[endswapper]

Let me start by asserting that there is no figuring it out.

You may discover satisfaction, peace and fulfillment. However, these are the result of living an engaged life, not really objectives on their own.

Find a purpose. I recommend a selfless one that allows you to be of value to other people. Commit to it fully, exhaust it or fail at it. Then move on to the next purpose.

Using this approach you will learn about yourself and develop relationships that are based on more than vicinity, common interest or some superficial social norm.

The silver-lining is that you are asking these questions. I'd argue that someone who thinks they have figured it out risks becoming blind to their full potential.

[chowraid]

Thank you for your advice.