[EvanKelly]

I once received advice on smalltalk that's been interestingly useful.

The advice was to ask questions could be answered with a number. Like "How long have you lived in New York?" or "How many siblings do you have?"

On the surface those don't seem great at stimulating conversation, but people seem to automatically expand on the number they give since they feel it deserves explanation.

I've used it several times when I've been set adrift at a cocktail party without a conversational thread to pull on.

[mmatants]

What really helps me stay engaged in conversations with strangers is directing my genuine interest in their "story".

What drew you to get into computer science? How did you end up enjoying accounting? Why did you choose NYC over Tokyo?

When someone asks me what degree I took, the answer is two words: Computer Science. If they ask me why - now there's a real conversation.

Often, also, it may help to tug even further at that story thread - what background brought it around? What did the parents do? What was the formative experience that created the story?

[josephjrobison]

These are both great tactics that I hadn't thought of.

My greatest "tactic" for conferences specifically is right after a speaker is done speaking, go up and ask them followup questions. This might only work at smaller conferences (like MicroConf, etc) but it's super easy. The speaker will probably be swarmed by 4+ other people, but this is even better for you. You're now part of a conversation group that is socially acceptable for you to just hop into. Wait your turn and ask the speaker a burning question you had. This way you've already made conversation with this speaker, whom you can talk to at other social events. You're also opening yourself up to other people in the talking circle, showing you ask smart questions and they can have conversation with you. You can also listen to what other people are asking of the speaker and you can follow up with those people later if it seems that you might connect.

I learned this halfway through the last conference I went to and I'm totally going to do it every time now.

[cableshaft]

Thanks to your comment, all future dev conferences will have ~85 people vaulting from their chairs the instant after a speaker's Q&A has officially ended so they can swarm the guy and ask them a "Question that establishes them as a smart question asker" as the speaker tries to leave the room. :) Good advice, though.

[bdamm]

It is easy for this to become an "interview" and it can make people uncomfortable. I've never found the best balance between exploring their story and sharing relevant parts of my own.

[ptrincr]

This is very true. How much do you share before boring people?

[turaw]

Easiest way to do this is to roughly time how long they spoke for and contribute back the same amount. If you do it right, you'll wind up spending 50% of the conversation talking and 50% listening, which is a reasonable split :)

[toxik]

I find that this is just naive. A lot of people aren't very comfortable sharing things. I'm relatively open, and don't mind telling people about how some dumbass swung open his car door into the bike lane when I was riding into work this morning. My less open coworkers like the idle conversation, they smile and follow the story -- they just don't have much to add, or any desire to share their own stories. So what can you do? Force a conversation? Every once in a while, sure, but it seems to me it's better to let them speak when they're ready.

[turaw]

You don't have to talk about yourself in a conversation :P this probably feeds back into the 'don't interview someone' mentality, but just talk about something in the news or other recent developments. Have they watched Daredevil (s1 or s2)? Which Zelda game was their favourite? Even though politics have been ruled out as a generally safe conversation topic, it's still fun to ask someone their opinion of Trump (wall/no wall/half-height but with barbed wire).

So I propose the following. Instead of using the simple heuristic of talking half the time which will work with nearly everyone practically always (modulo some edge cases when people have literally no strong opinions about anything), use the wealth of your experience as a human being to establish when and when not to promote complex human social interaction, additionally taking into account contextual and mitigating factors, while simultaneously ensuring that all parties are satisfied with the level and intensity of discourse instead of taking some random Internet person's sound bite advice.

[triplesec]

True many people aren't comfortable sharing things immediately, but much psychology on reciprocation tells us that your sharing things about yourself opens them up, moderated by their personality, mood, the context, and a bunch of more variables. Sharing about yourself (not too much, and listening and being genuinely interested in finding out about them without the interviewing barrage), is a great way to develop a rapport.

[ant6n]

'Why' seems a to be a more useful question than 'what'. I'll try to keep that in mind.

[johnchristopher]

Be mindful that those questions could be very offensive for some people (or some culture) though.

Where I live it'd be better to smalltalk about what is going on around you at the moment. Then the more personal tidbits could fuel the conversation if needed.

[stfu]

Just curious: Can you clarify which culture/region you are talking about?

[johnchristopher]

I remember it has been discussed on HN before. The submission was an article about a faux-pas the wife made when she asked her step-father what he was doing. I seem to remember he was afro-american but don't quote me on that. Might as well have been Kenyan. I can't find the article so I googled and found those pieces:

https://interculturalmeanderings.wordpress.com/2015/07/14/cu...

Good example:

I remember getting in trouble when I met a woman from Holland and asked, “What do you do for a living?” It’s a common question Americans ask.

Her response:

“Why do you care? Would you speak to me differently if I were a janitor than if I were a corporate president?”

My reply:

“Perhaps we have the same job. Or have friends or family in the same profession. When you meet new people, it’s typical (at least for Americans) to try to find what you have in common.”

When I shared this story at a family get together, a cousin mentioned that she had exactly the same experience. It, too, involved someone from Holland. Neither of us intended to offend or be nosy. It was ordinary conversation. But obviously, not ordinary conversation in some places.

[kelvin0]

My guess is Vulcan?

[wwwater]

"If I have told you these details about the asteroid, and made a note of its number for you, it is on account of the grown-ups and their ways. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him."

from The Little Prince

Your mention about questions that could be answered with numbers just reminded me on this passage from the book. : ) Apparently Saint-Exupéry made the same observation, that people find it easier to answer to number questions.

[wott]

I took me a while to figure out that I would never find your interesting advice on 'smalltalk' in your last 3 sentences.

[rahoulb]

My wife once flew off in a rage because I had "Smalltalk with Sam" written on my hand. She calmed down when I explained I was lending my colleague a book on OO programming.

[mzitelli]

This is a good idea but is important to take care and show real interest in the answers. Maybe because I'm also a bit introverted it's hard for me to feel real interest during small talk.

[EC1]

I like to go with Larry David's advice with skipping the small talk and going straight to medium or large talk. I like to open with "so how's your marriage?" Just get right into it.

[fapjacks]

So, I've had people lay these kinds of questions on me. Or even during a job interview (!). And normally, I'm down for the deep shit at the drop of a hat. But the problem is when complete strangers ask me these questions. It's hard to gauge when a conversation about the last time I did MDMA (and why) is appropriate. Do I really want to talk about the nasty shit I did in Iraq with complete strangers, even though that's the most honest and direct answer to their hail mary of a question? Even something like "So how are you really doing?" can be challenging to answer to a stranger. I guess really I question your desire (or ability) to handle the answers.

[EC1]

It hugely depends on how it's asked. If you ask it in a really awkward dead pan kind of way it's going to fall flat. If you do it in an almost "indulge me" kind of banterish irony, most people get that and will string along for a bit. The funny ones will go along and end it with something like "wow, really took me for a ride there" and switch it back on you.

[dsjoerg]

How does that work for you? I figure it's a good filter - 80% of people think you're a whackball and run away, 20% stay and have interesting conversations.

[EC1]

The ones that appreciate and understand the underlying banter are the ones I like to filter for using this tactic.

[aninhumer]

Do you really have to go for such a personal and emotionally charged topic to start "big talk"? Obviously anything actually important is likely to be somewhat less comfortable, but there are still degrees.

I think most people are going to be much more comfortable talking about art, philosophy or politics than about their personal life, particularly with a stranger.

[_ea1k]

I'm pretty sure that was a joke. :)

[EC1]

It's from this bit [1].

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOVWS7r9ADY

And to answer your question, yes.