[newday]

Having just been back in the scene this past week, this is disturbingly accurate. I'm 41.

I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago.

I have a large profile, with a ton of hooks for conversation, and yet the number of girls I talk to on there either don't want to or can't be bothered to ask a question. And unfortunately, the one that does, I have no attraction to.

Being 41 is also problematic. There is a change that happens to a lot of the women around this time. They seem to shift from something that is attractive, to suddenly looking like a mom. The haircut, the face, the body. For the life of me, I can't seem to make myself attracted to this Mom look. Which means looking for partners much younger.

It's also been strange, you'll message a girl, and ask a question. She'll respond with the answer, and that's it. Trying to keep that going ends up trying to share something about myself, and then ask another question. They answer the question again, and provide nothing to carry on the conversation. I get the feeling that these women want to be wooed, but that happens after we meet. At this stage, you're trying to find compatibility. You could be a dog, you could be a gay man who poses as a woman because he likes the compliments (read it on Reddit), a bot, etc... Interaction is the key.

Ah well, back I go.

[xlm1717]

Going by what you typed here, I can't help but think you might be going about it the wrong way. When you talk about not being attracted to the people who talk to you or are in your age range, are you going purely by looks? Maybe if you met up with them and talked over coffee or whatever you might start to develop attraction. It's entirely your prerogative if you want physical looks to limit your dating pool, but just seems like an unnecessary restriction to me.

Another plus of meeting up with potential dates is you do get to make conversation. Having a back-and-forth Q&A won't help you get to know someone. You get to learn facts about them, but you won't learn if this person is fun in conversation, if they can keep up with you or you can keep up with them, if you'll see them as an interesting conversation partner or boring, etc. I think at the messaging stage it's about trying to establish friendliness and familiarity, and of course of establishing basic facts about this person (although if that person was a dog, I would most definitely want to meet the dog!), with the goal of setting a meeting time. The face-to-face meeting is where you try to find compatibility. The face-to-face meeting will also let you confirm facts about their profile (bots can't meet in real life, and if a dog was chatting with you I would most definitely want to meet them!).

[newday]

Lovely thought, but that's not how humans are designed. And I never hear this from people that actually have an ugly partner. I'm 40, not 80, so sexual attraction is an important part of selecting a mate. I don't find many women unattractive, but 300lbs is at least 100lbs more than what I consider attractive.

[inanutshellus]

Sounds like the girls are getting too much attention, and so are passively enjoying swatting flies more than enjoying the hunt for a match.

Actually answering questions takes a lot of effort when you're responding to 25 people in parallel. That you're even getting /any/ response is a testament to you, given that you're 41 and yet not looking for a "mom".

Anyway... As someone else suggested, it sounds like you need to get these girls out of the email-back-n-forth as fast as possible. e.g. "Hi, I see we have X in common. Want to meet up tomorrow for lunch?"

[newday]

I agree, I have have 3 coffee dates lined up this week after taking that approach on Sunday.

[jordanlev]

Might I suggest the possibility that you yourself have become as unattractive to the 40-year-old women as they have become to you?

[newday]

Definitely for some, and I have a dozen ignored messages to prove that. But the number of likes I get, and the fact that I'm responding to girls that actively "liked" my profile, makes me get a sense that it's something else.

[Eric_WVGG]

> you'll message a girl, and ask a question. She'll respond with the answer, and that's it.

this. Most of the interactions I’ve had go something like… “I see you like [some author that we both like], have you read [an older book or something related]?”

“No.”

“…”

I’m left with the impression that we’re in the middle of a massive societal shift whose rules are still being written, and by the time it all gets sorted out we’ll be too old for it to matter.

[earlz]

Hell, in 2010 when I was still single I encountered this through text/IM and all that. Worse scenario is if you end up "dating" or there seems to be a budding interest in person, but online/SMS communication still goes like this followed by "why don't you ever talk to me?" I'm so glad I'm married now heh.

[MilnerRoute]

My experience of online dating taught me one thing: you have to actually meet someone in person before you ever really know what they're like. If you can just enjoy that -- the novelty of meeting a new person - then whatever happens, dating can still be an interesting and less-painful experience.

The best advice I ever got seems illogical and is barely workable. ("Love always happens when you're not looking for it.") But maybe dating is just something we do to fill the hours while we're waiting...

[TeMPOraL]

I think the advice is pretty sensible, even if counterintuitive. Love happens when you stop caring so much about looking for it. "We're both lonely" is probably the worst social object to build a relationship around. Just stop looking for it and go enjoy the rest of life with people (personally I do not subscribe to the view that relationships are the most important thing in life; while I like them, I also like a lot of other things). Start attending events, meetups, parties, where you can find people with a similar interest to one of your own, and - here's the actual hack - just make sure that the group contains people of appropriate age and gender. Before you know you'll find yourself gravitating towards someone :).

[joezydeco]

I'm surprised by the number of women that are still on the site from the last time I went through this 5 years ago.

Some sites have been known to retain profiles from members that have since quit...all as a marketing tactic.

If you were to actually respond to one, you'll get silence on your side but the now-gone user will get a "hey, someone is interested in you, come back!" teaser.

[newday]

OKCupid shows you the last time they logged in, and I've checked with a dummy account and it's off by 10-15min at most. I've also chatted with a couple, so there is definitely a real person at the other end.

[facepalm]

I think it's probably more efficient to be mysterious and let the woman's imagination do the rest. Maybe you have written too much on your profile?