[zappo2938]

Both my parents have PhD's from Ivy League schools. My mom ended up doing research at MIT and my dad at Harvard. I joke too bad Ivy League schools don't teach people how to be good parents.

The place I think people get crushed is when kids are the smartest person in their class in high school at the top and then arriving at an Ivy League college are of average ability in comparison. Their self esteem is propped by being the best at academic subjects while their peers excel in sports or in a social hierarchy. All of a sudden, they are not the smartest kid in the class.

My parents were so upset when I decided I didn't want to go to college out of high school. I was doing minipreps, isolating DNA, PCR chain reaction, and making gels, in my dad's genetics laboratory at an Ivy League school which is basically cooking. I liked cooking so much I decided to be a chef. That is when the yelling and screaming started. I should have stayed in the career closet.

The worst part was after 8 years and a successful career cooking with my parents accepting my choice I decided I wanted to do other stuff. Now my parents were upset at me again and refused to pay for school. Really? We are going to start this again?

[epalmer]

As a parent of a recent college grad and a HS senior getting ready to trek off to college I would not pay for college for one of my kids if they waited 8 years. One gap year, okay so that is fine. But 8 years. My wife and I are looking forward to eventual retirement and want some control over our bank account. Eight years would put college payments solidly into my retirement years.

So from a practical standpoint cash flow is a consideration. From a dependency standpoint isn't eight years long enough for you to mature beyond financial and emotional dependency?

[qrendel]

On the other hand, if you've already set aside the money to pay for their college, why does it matter when they decide to go? You were presumably going to use it for their benefit, so why wouldn't you want it to be used for that same purpose, just in another way or at another time.

Not to imply a parent is obligated to pay, but parents aren't really obligated to pay when their kid is 18 either. It shouldn't affect retirement savings, unless spending increased in the intervening years and ate into the investment they had planned to make in their offspring.

[epalmer]

College costs continue to rise. And predictability of retirement funds are important as well. Did his parents know after 8 years he had an expectation they would be asked to pay for college?

Even though we have saved for my youngest to go to college we are expecting her to apply for many merit scholarships and we expect her to help with some expenses using summer internship earnings. The more she contributes the better her chance for ownership over the college outcome.

[qrendel]

I mean to say that I don't think there's a universal standard for when parents are or aren't obligated to pay for their kid's college. Some might have alternatively chosen to invest the money in their children another way, like using it to start a business or starting a stock/bonds portfolio. In that sort of scenario, tuition inflation would mostly mean paying a lower portion of the costs than would have happened 8 years prior.

In the case described, I somewhat question the motives, since (s)he described "screaming and yelling" over the choice of a different career, which seems to imply they sought a degree of control over his/her future. Keep in mind both were Ivy League PhD's. So perhaps they didn't see it as money set aside as an investment, but more as something they'd donate with conditions. Not wanting to pay could also be a way of punishing their children for not pursuing the career paths they'd wanted.

The problem in this case, imo, is that there wasn't an understanding between them about whether paying for college would still be an option in the future. Since that's an attitude that will differ from family to family, it doesn't seem unreasonable to think a given family would need to work it out for themselves ahead of time.

[epalmer]

My comments we not meant to defend the parents. I should have been clearer on that matter. And yes there should be conversations about funds for college and any conditions that apply.

>Some might have alternatively chosen to invest the money in their children another way, like using it to start a business or starting a stock/bonds portfolio.

I strongly support this for families where this works out. There is never one model fits all.

[copperx]

It amazes me how self-centered this comment is. It's your kids education you're taking about here.

[epalmer]

You are welcome to your opinion. Some parents choose to make their kids pay for the entire education even when they can afford to pay for college. They see it as a ownership and responsibility lesson. I've seen that work very well for several.

I don't see parenting as providing your kids with everything. I see it as provide your kids with the tools they need to be successful in life. Sometimes the hard way is the better way.

When a child is ~26 then hopefully they can be on their own.

I'm not sure how you can judge me self centered when I provided for the education of one child already and am ready for the 2nd one. I was pointing out that there are many dimensions of being a parent and providing for college.

[chris-pb]

In this case the "kids" are at least 26. At that point surely we can expect them to be able to fend for themselves?

[aaronem]

Only 26? Surely not. Why, at that age he might not even have a master's degree yet!

[aaronem]

Well, yes. When you decided what you wanted to do with your life, and made that decision stick over parental objections, that was in the nature of a declaration of adult independence. Good for you! Lots of people never make it that far. But, having done so, you can hardly expect to retract it eight years later. "Mommy, Daddy, I don't want to be a grownup any more!" With whom do you imagine this playing well? How would you react if your presumably notional kid tried to pull it on you?

[freyr]

You're eight years out of high school and you have a "successful career. Why would they pay for you?

[geographomics]

Why should your parents pay for your continuing education? Seems rather an unreasonable expectation.

After reaching adulthood you should be taking financial responsibility for yourself, rather than demanding to be bankrolled by your family.

[maneesh]

why would you expect for them to pay?

[superuser2]

That's how it works in the US. Schools cost what they believe your parents can afford until you are 26.

[dawnbreez]

Edit: I misinterpreted the context here. My bad.

[chris-pb]

I don't think the above comment is disputing that someone should pay for his education, just suggesting that it should be him rather than his parents.

[dawnbreez]

Edited my comment, because I did not read the parent comment.

[spdionis]

Why would they pay school for you after you have already set up your life cooking? "After 8 years" makes me think you should already be independent.

[zappo2938]

I was independent the day I graduated high school. The issue is the fights and arguments about not going to college after high school and knowing that I wouldn't get help in life if I made that choice. It is ironic that later they tried very hard to persuade me not to give up the career they had previously opposed.

What is wrong with waiting until I was 26 to start college? I was not ready for college right out of high school.

[myle]

Aparrently, now being on hackernews I guess you study/studied something in STEM. How did it work eventually? Do you think taking some time off this predefined track helped you make wiser decisions about your life or was it wasted time?

[zappo2938]

I worked in the number 1 and 2 top rated restaurants on the Zagat survey in San Francisco in the late 90s. I was earning a base rate of $5.35 an hour being paid for 12 hours a day working 16. My dad's lab was lead by a noble prize winner. The post docs were making less than I was working more hours. No matter what we decide to do we all have to pay our dues.

That is the hardest thing for me right now, I'm not 21 anymore and I still have to pay the dues in a new career. After years of being at the top of a hierarchy mostly because of hard work a some natural talent, I now find myself at a bottom of a different hierarchy.

[dorfsmay]

How is that your parents' problem? How many careers (and pay your dues period) do you expect parents to subvention?

As somebody who never had a career subventionned by anybody, I am shocked by your attitude!

[zappo2938]

I owned my decision when I got out of high school and supported myself. I asked my parents if they wanted to pay because they were so angry about my decision not to go to college. Then they were angry with my decision to go to college because I was beginning to be accomplished. I own that choice too. I didn't expect them to pay for anything. I've seen many people get pressured into professions that they are not happy with. I didn't follow that path, but, yes, I'm on my own.

[meagain20000]

You didn't really answer the question.