Ask HN: Tldr due to startup anxiety gf has left me, how do i get her back?

[bluebluetimes]

My manager at work has been pushing me to the limit and as a result have been carrying a lot of anxiety home leading to a big work induced difference with my gf. Also we have not had physical relationships in months due to this. Added to this my company raised a down round and i had to pay tax on my now worthless options She is extremely pissed and has left

What do i do ? how do i get her back?

[r2dnb]

Hi mate, thanks for posting. First of all : get her back in what ? There's no point in getting her back if it's to put her in the same mess, get your life sorted first.

It sounds like you successfully identified the cause of this issue. I'll be honest with you, if you can't change the way you feel when going to work, find another job.

If I was you, I would quit my job, and after I found another one call my gf, tell her that I realize I screwed it, that I am very sorry and that I learned from my mistakes. By doing so, you have proofs that you are serious about it and she will likely come back.

Edit : But ultimately you need to understand the benefits of changing your work environment so that even if she doesn't come back you will have no regret. Keep your life above your work, consider your best interest first.

[jmduke]

nota bene, as I've heard many variations on this theme in the past:

When your work causes your personal life to suffer, your manager hasn't pushed you to the limit. He's pushed you past your limit.

[Gibbon1]

First real thing I learned early on was, don't let your manager hurt you. As a young engineer you have 30-40 years of game to play. And your manager will happily sacrifice that to make the next deadline. When you're done, he's done and will get rid of you to make room for the next guy.

[dopesavant]

I dont know how I feel about this one. I feel she should be the one helping/supporting you through your down period and not leaving you when stuff is messed up

[mrmincent]

Relationships are a two way deal. It sounds like it has been going for a while, at least several months. She has every right to put herself first if she's been in an unhappy situation for a long time.

I went through a down period a few years back, lost my gf of 5 years to it. Her leaving removed my saftey crutch and forced me to get my own shit together. Sounds like it's what the OP might need too.

[r2dnb]

Man, they didn't have sex for months. The problem comes from the OP, he needs to build his emotional maturity.

[bluebluetimes]

it was due to stress and yelling and tiring her emotionally as well

[cheez]

That's unreasonable. They haven't had sex in months. Anyway, OP should chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. Develop a more balanced lifestyle.

[lwhalen]

Sorry man, she's gone. Get your life straightened out, and find a new one - in that order.

[dominotw]

many fish in the sea. let her go.

[bluebluetimes]

she is special

[hamburglar]

The answers you get to this question are simply going to reflect the experiences and priorities of those who respond. At various times in my life, I'd have either told you "forget her; if you're passionate about your job that's what's important" or "quit the job; if she's special she's worth saving." Ignore it all. You're conflicted and the decision is going to be hard. Girlfriends will often be more demanding of your time than you want them to be, and more critical of time spent on your job than they should be. Conversely, employers will often push you to the point of neglecting your home life, to the detriment of your personal relationships. There's no one answer that's going to tell you what to do in this situation.

But I can offer some observations based on your post: If she's pissed that you had to pay taxes due to your down round, that's none of her business. If she's pissed that you're neglecting your relationship in favor of a questionable business, it is. If you're carrying anxiety home, you better have a significant stake in the company or you're jeopardizing your personal life for little gains. Some might even argue that jeopardizing your personal life for any monetary gains is a dumb idea. I prefer to stay somewhat agnostic on that one. If things are so bad that you're not having sex (but want to), something should change.

If I had to guess just based on what you've written, it sounds like the miserable part of your life is work, and if not for that, the relationship would be fine. Down round, anxiety going home with you, paying very real taxes on something of not-very-real value? These are work problems. If getting your girlfriend back is really a priority and your work situation is as bad as you make it out to be, one very viable answer is to quit your job, then call your girlfriend and say "I figured out that my work situation was the main impediment to having a good relationship with you. I'd rather have you than some shitty job, so I've quit. Please come back." If the job really was the problem, this is guaranteed to work.

Note, of course, that if the job wasn't the only problem, this won't work. But you've rid yourself of a shitty job and can move on. Personally, I feel like girlfriends are harder to come by than jobs, so take this whole thing with a grain of salt. :)

[r2dnb]

Then why the "Ignore it all" ? You're basically saying what other people and I have said more succinctly "Quit your job". Don't get me wrong, I think your analysis brings a lot to the table and it's great to have different people give their own input in different ways.

But your point isn't fundamentally different than what has been said despite what you suggest in your first paragraph. The choice the OP faces doesn't depend of "times in life", as a general rule one"s job should fit in the life balance he has chosen, not the other way around.

I totally agree with : "If you're carrying anxiety home, you better have a significant stake in the company". This is what I called his best interest. Unless you cash in 5 of 6 figures bonuses at the end of the year, don't give too much to your work, learn to leave at 5. It really isn't wise to do otherwise, even business wise. If your employer tries to set you working like a senior executive as a norm, you're being fucked. And reading your post I have a sense that you're being fucked, that's why I suggest you to find a new job.

[hamburglar]

Yes, "Ignore it all" is a bit glib. I really meant "don't take any of these answers as the correct one, because they're all highly situational."

[amatxn]

If she is special than nothing is more important than the her, fix the underlying issues - find a new job, remove the stress, etc - should have done this previously.

Having been through a divorce and remarried, I hate to say this but a real partner does not leave, they stay by your side and help you through the tough times. It hurts but you may be better off by fixing the stresses and finding another mate.

[glimmung]

"I hate to say this but a real partner does not leave, they stay by your side and help you through the tough times"

I don't think this is fair. Everyone has a breaking point, and the OP is pretty clear that the situation was extreme.

[informatimago]

Clearly, your exgf was a gold digger and she assessed (probably correctly) that you bank account was now worthless, and that your startup employer won't be the next unicorn.

The anxiety you got from your job is probably also a sign of the same thing, unconscious in your case.

Probably not entirely your fault, I guess there are more people involved in your startup employer.

I would say, share the pain: resign from your job, and find a better one.