[jtheory]

Being a really good parent (in my view) is all about mixing authority and friendship/trust/empathy.

Kids have a lot of interesting ideas that (for various reasons) they can't act out, and sometimes you're the one preventing them. If it sucks (e.g., my daughter wants to pick every flower she sees... I have to stop her, because these are flowers other people bought & tend, to make their homes look nice), then I show her sympathy rather than anger. I still have to stop her from picking them -- it's part of my job as a parent, to keep my child's behavior from harming others -- but I tell her that in so many words. "I'm your dad, so this is part of my job, to stop you from doing things that will make other people really sad... but I'm sorry, it would be cool to bring all these flowers home!". And (because I'm sympathizing) I can think to go looking for wildflowers, or pick our own flowers. We're in the same boat -- there are also lots of things I want that I can't do, and I point them out when I can.

I don't ever say "because I said so" -- that's something I don't want to teach them. I have to have a reason, and if I can't come up with one, then I re-think what I'm asking them to do (or not do). Okay, so we're running around out in a field, and it seems kinda wrong to me for you to take off all your clothes; but honestly we'd see anyone coming a mile away, so if you can get dressed again lightning-fast if someone comes... then go for it. And remember if the lightning-fast thing doesn't work, then next time I'm going to say it's a bad idea.

There really seem to be a lot of parents who think they need to "discipline" their children, need to keep punishing them (often more & more severely) until the child learns to stop fighting back, stop challenging their authority, and will do what they're told. This is a painfully short-sighted view of parenting.

Think about it -- if my daughter doesn't pick flowers, ever, because she just knows I'll get mad, what has she learned? Nothing, just "here's another thing that makes Daddy mad" -- and optionally "if I keep picking flowers, Daddy keeps getting angrier until he stops taking me on walks, or he slaps my hand", or however else I escalated my reaction until it finally "worked". I might be more or less smart about how I enforce my authority over her, but all I'm thinking about in that case is "how can I force this child to do X" -- empathy is nowhere in sight, and it's just a struggle between us... which is going to carry over into our other interactions as well.

If I'm empathizing with her (and cheering her up, since neither of us can pick these flowers), the short-term end result is identical (flowers are not picked), but long-term is much better. She learns a bit more about the restrictions of living in a world with lots of other people in it (and can learn to apply the reasons for not picking other people's flowers to other situations), she's a bit closer to me (esp. if I managed to cheer her up successfully), and she's a bit further on her way to being a responsible, thoughtful adult.

There are a lot of ways in which being a good parent is like being a really good tour guide, much more than being a policeman/judge.

[note: this is a long rant answering a little comment! sorry about that... this is a topic I feel strongly about.]

[icebraining]

My parents used to have the same view when I was a single child. Then my brother was born.

There are only so many times you can empathize with someone who keeps trying to do the same thing, despite knowing why he can't.

They still believe that explaining why something is forbidden is the best course, but they stopped assuming the person on the street slapping his/her kid's bottom is just ignorant of the advantages of compassionate parenting.

[jtheory]

I'm not at all saying that the same tactics work for all kids. But there are tons of ways to influence kids' behavior that don't involve corporal punishment, and I've never had to go too far down the list, when I sit down and brainstorm ideas.

It's also essential to think longer-term. I don't know what your brother was doing, or what your parents tried. But part of raising kids is being aware that a child's behavior is going to keep changing, week to week, almost regardless of what you do. So if they're doing something you don't like (but that isn't risky), it's sometimes the best course to just endure it for a bit.

Personally, I'm pretty open about these things, so I remind my kids that yes, they have the power to make me miserable, any time they want. Sometimes they do. But they're clearly not enjoying those times either, so we work together to try to figure out what's going on, and how we can optimize for more fun.

[pitt1980]

thanks for writing this

this approach is really aspirational, and really something to strive for

addendum - I think approaching parenting in this manner is one of those 'hard, but worth it' things in life

[fishnchips]

I don't think we disagree. Your approach (similar to mine to be fair) though is that of a guide and not that of a friend.

[jtheory]

The "guide" thing is a metaphor, which only goes so far. :)

It falls apart in that a guide is in a business relationship, and that adds a distance that isn't there for parenting -- in that sense a parent can be more of a friend.

But one way parents are not like friends is that friends choose each other, and can drift apart. Parents have a much stronger motivation to keep a close relationship with their kids even as interests diverge, personalities may not mesh terribly well, etc..

The important aspect I wanted to touch on, though, was more about "authority" vs. "friend", and in that balance I think a parent should fall much more on the friend side.