[column]

How about the generic but at least semi-informative

"We received your application as [JOBTITLE] and thank you for your interest in our company. After careful review of the applications for this position, we regret to inform you that we are considering other candidates which match the skills and qualifications of this position more closely. We will keep your application for the next 2 months should the position reopen, if you wish to oppose this please click this link."

That said I completely oppose OP's (satirical) template. If you want news, grab a phone and just make the call. If you can't get an answer after a reasonable time and an active research from your side, is it really a place you want to work at?

[njloof]

This; I have generally been able to get a response by calling the HR or recruiting person with whom I first made contact.