[kidsthesedays]

Well....

I've been raped but also have (what I would consider) rape fantasies. My sexual assault isn't at all like my rape fantasies. I can't say I understand it either but they are totally different in my mind. My fantasies are different in that I have fantasies about resisting my husband (someone I trust completely) who then holds me down "against" my will and "forces" it on me while I struggle to physically "resist" but ultimately lose. It's roleplaying and when you are roleplaying it isn't like reality by definition. When I was actually raped it was different but I'm not going to describe that here because I don't want to have to defend myself.

Of course that also has absolutely nothing to do with whatever that creepy dude was talking about comparing yellow lizards with breeding rapists. We can just also say the best rapists aren't the kind that are strangers who jump out of bushes (the kind that society hates). My rapist was a charismatic "lady's man." My rape was never reported but many years later my rapist is currently sitting in jail for raping someone else. Part of me feels like I'm responsible for the other women who he raped after me because I never said anything. I'm also sure the other woman who reported him probably got a lot of backlash too.

It probably helps that my assaults was a very long time ago and I didn't start having these fantasies until probably a decade later.