[rev_bird]

You seem really (REALLY) down on yourself because of the whole ordeal -- there's not much some random stranger on the internet can say to make you feel any better about it, but... I'm going to give it a shot.

Parts of your experience mirror mine pretty closely -- if you can, focus on the fact that you pulled through it, even if it was ugly for a while. Like you said, "things have settled down," so now you can focus less on arresting your death spiral and more on heading in a direction you want to go.

You dragged yourself through depression, stress, academic failure, and whatever else you had going on, and you made it out the other side. There are lots of folks like us who didn't.