[makebelieve]

I didn't offer this as shock and awe. it came from the realization I had, living alone, incredibly poor, and feeling only a bleak future was possible, while standing outside a building tall enough to do the job, whose roof I could easily access. I had done a test-run months before. I realized I could end my life and get off the track that just seemed to produce misery and dissatisfaction for me and those around me. And then I realized I could just stop. I could use my life only for me, for what I valued, how I wanted to live. I could get off life's treadmill. I could do it by killing myself, or I could just step off and live whatever crazy idiot foolish life I wanted. I can always go back to that building and jump. And I've thought about doing it more than a few times over the years. But the reality is I can quit life and start over, or build a life the way I think it should be. my life doesn't have to work, it doesn't have to conform to anyone else's standards or conditions.

I'm not an idiot though. We live in a world where people react and do things. Life is kind of like Groundhog Day. We can weave through it in all sorts of ways. And when I'm feeling persistently useless and worthless I start to think about how to end that. and then I think, oh yeah. I can change how I live, even radically. that useless worthless feeling is a clue telling me to change how I'm living. (it's also a clue to go to the tanning salon). There is no "right way" to live a life. There is just living life. And if life sucks, we are free to change things. And I have found dreaming big, swinging for the fences, trying the impossible, dying (or living) for a crazy idea is a better alternative than a short leap.

So before making that leap I asked myself what would I rather do? And I didn't go to school that day. I did go to my job at KFC before returning to my roach infested apartment. My grandpa gave good advice: "Always run towards things." But sometimes you have to move away from something to get the freedom to change direction. Suicide just doesn't let you get to that change direction part.

I aslo believe that learning to meditate in the library while sluffing class in HS helped me to gain a little distance between my consciousness and my problems. Practicing meditation is particularly hard when depressed but it does seem to open a space of freedom between the emotions of depression and oneself. Which is why I recommended it to the OP.