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by arthurcolle 4138 days ago
How many relationships did you have before you found someone that was compatible with the lifestyle you had built up? I found it really hard to maintain a long-distance relationship while a CS undergrad, and I'm curious how that side of your life worked out.
1 comments
jplahn 4138 days ago
I find it interesting that you found it harder to maintain a long-distance while an undergrad, especially because from personal experience, it would be easier that way (IMO of course).

I'm also an undergrad and what I largely find is that it would be easier to be in an LDR with regards to your workload because you don't have as many daily "commitments" if you want to call them that, i.e. you're not trying to balance your projects with going out to eat a few times a week. The expectation is that you're not going to be seeing each other all the time, so theoretically you would have more time to spend on your work. I'd be interested to hear why you've found the opposite to be true (aside from CS, I think my true passion is relationships ;-) ). Now, give me a non-LDR relationship any day and I'll find a way to make time.

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arthurcolle 4137 days ago
On further thought, you're right that a non-LDR is harder in terms of balancing on the day-to-day and that's part of what made me comfortable with remaining in it for so long despite the discomfort of being apart so much - I could more easily do what I needed to, but consider this: frequently I felt guilty for not Skyping for a little longer, or having longer phone calls, or always keeping in touch with text messages, iMessages, FB, Couple.me, etc... and it felt really asphyxiating. I constantly worried I wasn't doing enough, and I frequently felt guilted with respect to "not putting enough into the relationship" which is probably my fault for not establishing boundaries early on. When we saw each other on bi-monthly trips, I still had to get work done (CS, other classes) and I was constantly guilted into "you should've done it before the trip!"

Originally the plan was for me to go down to go to her after I graduated (to Florida) but I got an interview for an internship in NYC, which I performed well in, which was converted into my receiving a full-time offer in Manhattan. I accepted since it is at a firm I wanted to work for since I was in high school. Literally my dream job. She was open to the idea of moving up with me but she enrolled in an academic program that would have added another 2 years of an LDR after already 1.5 years. She was perpetually sad over the summer when I interned in NYC (she was living with me for a month) because we couldn't spend time together even though my working hours were quite good compared to my friends in Seattle and Palo Alto, and I realized my ambitions were met with ambiguity and a slow-growing resentment.

The pushing back of an "end date" for longer and longer eventually led to my feeling that overall it would be healthier to end it, additionally considering the changes that happened in our lives over the course of the relationship. That being said our goals had also diverged significantly.

I knew what was important to me so I decided that it was best to move on since our long-term goals were no longer aligned, but it was an incredible experience that I'm lucky to have had. Not everyone gets to meet someone that, for a time, they connect with so well. I look at it as a learning experience that has made me a better person which I'm told is the best perspective to have.

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