You're obviously poking fun, but for anyone who hasn't looked into it, roasting beans is surprisingly easy. I use an air popcorn popper ($20 at your favorite supermarket) and buy green (unroasted) beans for ~$6/pound, or ~1/4 the cost of comparable roasted beans. And they're guaranteed fresh!
I order my beans from Sweet Maria's, roasted with a Whirley-Pop on the stove. It's relaxing; the various aromas throughout the roasting process fill the entire house. The whole process takes about fifteen minutes, and the coffee is the best I've ever had.