[wrd]

My assessment of this is that you have motivation in the sense of interest but that you're afraid. Not entirely sure of what, but mostly it sounds like social consequences of being/feeling inferior. I can empathize -- that's a real fear. Fortunately, it's not something that's going to kill you in a physical sense so you can train yourself to work around it. It sounds like right now you're running low on courage. The key word in your question is "depression," and it sounds like everything else you've said points to clinical depression of some kind. It seems like there are things that you want to do but right now you're keeping yourself down out of a set of abstract fears that are difficult to verbalize. I don't know that this works for everyone, but I think one way to wiggle yourself out of this hole you're in is to deliberately do things that scare you. Cultivate courage. Teach yourself to be strong and resilient. Learn to keep pushing forward no matter what. Don't give in.

To be concrete: We want to develop courage as a skill, so we need to practice it. When faced with two decisions, pick the one that requires more courage, even if it doesn't make as much sense. When you feel like you can't keep up or that you're failing at a task, quietly tell yourself, "No, I'm not going to stop. Even though it doesn't feel good I am going to keep doing this to make myself more courageous." Just do whatever you can to exercise that courage muscle. You can start small and work your way up. If you keep it up you'll soon find yourself able to be courageous in situations where you couldn't before. But it all depends on practice. So be courageous, even in small ways, and work from there. Once you have courage, depression--and life--become easier to tackle.