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Your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Listen to it, carefully. Nobody on the Internet can tell you what it's saying. Here are a couple possibilities, though, both based on personal experience: 1. You don't actually want to code, but you have a long, generally enjoyable history with it. It's hard to give up something that has worked well for us in the past, even if it's not working well now. Our actual self changes much quicker than our self-image does, particularly in the teens and 20s. 2. You do want to code, but you are afraid of not measuring up to some external standard. In this case - forget the external standard. Other people's ideas of fame & approval don't matter, only your own. It's pretty common in our 20s to re-evaluate all the stuff we thought we liked & were good at, but really just fell into because that's what we did when we were kids and we were too afraid to give it up. I would get up off the couch and turn off the games, TVs and movies - but don't force yourself to code if it's not really what you want to be doing. Instead, let yourself be drawn to whatever actually interests you. Maybe it's programming, but it could be any number of other things instead. Writing, socializing, linguistics, business, science, etc. The world is a broad place. |
It's like, here there's zero, and that's you sitting on the couch watching TV. Then over there there's nineteen billion dollars, and that's you being "successful". And in the middle there's nothing. And that's daunting and, of course, ludicrous.
Code little things. Or don't code, do something else. Go make something out of wood. But do it for the enjoyment, for the little thrill it gives you. Don't think about anybody else while you're doing it; don't think about what it might make you, or whether you'll end up on the front page of HN, or whether you'll get funding, or move to SF, or whatever.
Good luck. I'm 38 and your post resonated with me - this stuff doesn't necessarily get easier as you get older!