[nutate]

Over the past 14 years I've taken Lamictal, Lithium, Depakote, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Geodon, etc. I still take the first 3. I also got a masters, a PhD, recorded 3 albums with my band, played on plenty of others and worked on plenty of creative outputs (including programming).

I agree that when I first got on those meds at 21 after a psychotic break I was totally torn up. Now at 35 I couldn't imagine my life any other way. Have I become less creative? I honestly don't know and it's kind of frightening to think that perhaps I have. How would I ever know?

If you haven't seen what your life you be like permanently institutionalized (I've been hospitalized for mania 6 times) perhaps strong drugs aren't for you. If you have seen the other option (life inside a hospital), it makes a lot of sense.

If you think Li makes you a zombie, try intramuscular haldol or seroquel or even ativan. Those will knock you out, the first one literally. :)

[jonahx]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am curious about the hospitalization for mania. If you don't mind saying, what happened exactly? Were you so "up" that you were taking dangerous risks? What types of behavior does mania induce that make it a threat?

[mantis369]

In my case, delusions, paranoia, and the occasional inappropriate remark that could be construed as homicidal or suicidal ideation. Depression genuinely caused the latter ideation.

Lithium is a very harsh mistress, but if you have type 1, which is akin to emotional epilepsy, she will bring you to heel.

[nutate]

Unlike the other commenter, every hospitalization was for mania, not depression. When I'm depressed I'm essentially bed-ridden.

I guess I took dangerous risks, depending on who you talk to. :) I was never suicidal or homicidal, but I definitely did things that were out of character and scary to people outside. One of the most interesting things is that I remember everything and it all seemed 'rational' at the time. Not rational per the normal definition of rational, but following my line of reasoning everything made sense. I don't want to go into too much details online as it wouldn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who I am. As it is you can google stalk me and eventually figure out my story. Regardless it isn't that interesting.

The threat part is that 1/5 people with bipolar die of suicide w/ 25% to 50% attempting. That is so, so scary. I was deeply affected by the passing of Robin Williams for that reason. That's almost always on the depression side.

For me, my mania was just ... extra happy ... going right up into the mystical amazement with life, the universe and everything that people typically associate with psychedelics, etc. 14 days into a hospital stay (my longest was 17 I think) that happy go lucky feeling sleeping ~1-3 hours max on heavy sedation becomes... much more agitated and frustrated.

Not attempting to edit this post for clarity, but yeah, that's a rough sketch of my situation. It's been 6 years since I was last hospitalized (I had my friends take me in), but I'd say the feeling coming on is like an electric charge of infinite energy reverberating from the base of my skull. Sounds awesome in theory, but it doesn't convert to tangible output when the smoke clears. I could write on and on about these experiences, but so can many others... /r/bipolarreddit and /r/bipolar are some spaces where people let loose on their experiences.