[redmand]

Like the OP, I find myself often wondering how people met, how they clicked, how they keep it going. With you describing your wife as very introverted, fearing interaction with new people (I could describe myself the same way) and describing yourself as an extrovert, how did you two meet, click, make it work? I find that with me being like your wife in that regard, I've had an extremely difficult time even meeting someone, much less progressing into a relationship.

[beat]

Well, we've been together for 25 years now, married for 21. We met through a mutual friend (he was dating her at the time - we're both still friends with him, and see him somewhat regularly socially). It's just worked, over these long years of struggle, in part because we balance each other.

Her social life revolves around a very short list of very close friends. The people she loves, she loves, and she's incredibly devoted to them. But she's also distrustful and fearful of others. She's prone to resentment, especially of the careless and irresponsible type of extrovert who gets away with being a flake because they're charming. Her way of dealing with her fear of other people is by being prickly, which makes it hard for people to get to make the effort to get to know her and get past her defenses. So poor social choices she makes due to introversion end up making the problem worse. But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great.

So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out. After our first date, she went home and broke up with the boy she didn't tell me about! Then she sought me out at work two days later - this was the pre-internet days when you actually had to go see people in person. On our second date, I was struggling that day with some private family difficulties, and found I could just open up to her about something I'd normally keep to myself. It was also a point in my life where I was getting tired of my ladykiller lifestyle (and I am good at that), and was ready to settle down. We fell in love very quickly, and were engaged in just a few months.

I bring a very different personality to our mix. I find just about everyone I meet interesting in some way or another. I'm very open about my life, except for a small zone of privacy that is very strict. If someone disappoints me, I just ignore them and move on to the next interesting person, rather than stewing in anger and hurt feelings. Because she lets so few people in, the stakes are higher for her. For me, with more friends than I can really manage, the stakes of any one person are lower. And it's not just people, it's life in general. Little setbacks don't get me down. I enjoy risk and unpredictability. She likes stability.

For 20 years, I worked in the enterprise corporate world, a very safe career path that keeps me easily employed and well-paid, because it makes her feel safe and happy. But it makes me feel stifled and frustrated. Now, it's time to swap. I'm leaving it all behind for my own startup (this is actually my last week of dayjobbing), and she's terrified, but going along with it for my sake.

Being able to give enough to let the other have what they need, if not always what they want - that's how to make the introvert/extrovert relationship work.

Interestingly, it works in other ways as well. She often brings me to social events to run interference for her. I can "hold court" (her term) anywhere I go, charming people and bringing them into my orbit. She can stay with me if she feels she needs cover, or wander off if she finds something to do or someone to be with, knowing that I won't be bored.

Does this help some?

[JohnBooty]

  > She often brings me to social events to run interference 
  > for her. 

As a married guy in a totally different sort of introvert/extrovert mix, this was wonderful to read! I love the "we're a mismatch, and that's why it's fun" attitude.

My wife and I are an odd mix because I'm simultaneously the "charmer" and the introvert who needs a lot of time alone. She's the extrovert, but also has trouble reading people, so people either love her or are unintentionally "rubbed the wrong way" by her immediately.

So in our social interactions we often wind up with the introvert (me) "running interference" or more often smoothing things over for the extrovert... haha.

It works, though, and it's fun. She's amazing and without her I'd probably be a hermit with a squirrel living in my beard.

[redmand]

It does help; thank you for the peek behind the curtain. I've always avoided outgoing, extroverted women because I thought that the intro/extro combination could never possibly work. I'm not about to jump up in front of such a woman today and announce my presence, but I do like it when my understandings are corrected and my world is opened.

And a hearty congratulations on passing the 20-year mark! Seriously, in today's climate, I count that as a huge win. With you being an (apparently) attractive extrovert who "holds court" (laughed out loud at that one), your options are very open. Thanks for helping to give us guys a good name by staying loyal and loving to your wife. If she doesn't outright say it to you, she's likely very thankful that you choose her on a daily basis, given the circumstance.

Now, if your wife has a 40-year-old twin sister...

[marincounty]

"But some people do make the effort, because she's incredibly intelligent, talented, and beautiful. The work is hard, but the reward is great. So how we started... well, we met and started dating. Apparently, I was attractive enough to get her past her fears to really reach out."

Why even leave the apartment for the Google bus?

[dennisgorelik]

That's a good story to learn about.

Why were you tired of your "ladykiller lifestyle"?

[beat]

Because I wanted a life partner, not just a sex partner. And I wanted children, and someone to raise them with.

Didn't mind the ladykilling. :)