[zgoat]

Then I missed the intent of my post a bit - I'm not calling out the coping style, I'm trying to address the lack of empathy in the response to the Op. The guy is clearly grieving and depressed over what has happened, it's not a hard thing to interpret, so why address him as if he's failing to understand the logic in the situation? This isn't a technical topic, I'd like to think there's a capacity to switch gears and actually deal with people in a more complex way than "death happens, this is sensible, get used to it"

I don't consider your response a flame - I've just worked with people who are in grief and shock before and would never consider responding with my own beliefs on the topic if I thought it would injure them during the initial stages of grieving. Yes, in the mainstream we don't acknowledge it, and in the west we get people out of sight so they can die without us dealing with it, but it doesn't mean people just pretend it away when it happens to them. Some people just choose to deal with the topic indirectly when talking in public forums or with people outside of the family but I've certainly known the majority of people I've worked with to be very direct about the topic when they feel like they are in the right situation to do so.

Again, it's perfectly fine to have your own coping style but when you're engaging with someone else on a subject like death there has to be some measure of empathy towards their situation. They are not you, they have different processes and philosophies towards these events, it's not just a case of standing there and shouting your ideas at them until they "understand".

[waterlesscloud]

Why is it that posts about someone else lacking empathy always themselves lack empathy?

If someone ranted at you, telling you that you are a bad person and unable to relate to others, like you just did in these two posts, how would you feel?

You insist they couldn't possibly have lost anyone close to them, but of course you don't know that. You're merely imposing your style of coping on them. What if they have lost someone? Go back and re-read your post telling them they're coping with it all wrong.

[zgoat]

I would understand that something about how I'm communicating to other people might not be working as well as I think it is, at least with the person making the rant.

What I insisted was dramatised but the issue that I'm taking here stays the same - everyone is entitled to their own coping style, but the way you communicate to others has to take them into consideration.

Yes, I've done a very poor job at demonstrating that, I'm a bit outraged but not professing that I'm much better at any of this myself, but I want the point explored - where's the line, even online? Where do we stop ourselves short in terms of how we handle someone else's situation when there is a desire to shout "shit happens" at them from behind a screen?

Again, I've probably done this here. I've got a virginal, unused account and I'm anonymous and all of the usual factors relating to this kind of screwed online communication, but it just feels like a common theme in the responses here. Logic works! Logic works in programming so logic works in people! This person isn't being logical, the colour is outside the lines, quickly, correctness!

Seriously, HN taught me everything I know about a lot of the technology that I earn a living from but it's starting to feel less and less appropriate to make reference to around company that is over 25 and has more life experience than grinding in a SV startup. Yes, jump all over this statement, tear it to bits, ask me to reflect, etc. I'm speaking just in my own case, as someone who volunteers to come and read this, but it's definitely at a point where even though it's a vocal minority of very strange responses, it's an accepted minority that reflects on the rest of the community.