[kjackson2012]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm remorseful of what I did as a kid. I was at times the ringleader that would make fun of particular kids and if I were a parent now, I would do my utmost to get me kicked out of school.

I grew up in a happy household, my parents were both highly educated, and my siblings and I are all relatively successful. I don't think my parents even knew about my bullying because I was really good at making sure I didn't get in trouble for it.

I didn't bully everyone, just particular kids. The best way to describe it is that I saw weakness in some kids, it sickened me, and I wanted to crush it. I didn't do it to make myself feel better, or because I had self esteem issues or to make myself popular. I was amongst the top students in my class, had a bunch of friends, and even kind of nerdy so it wasn't like I was a stereotypical jock picking on nerds.

I can't explain why I felt this way, I just did. And to be honest, I can still feel these feelings sometimes around certain people, but I just stifle them because I know it's wrong. So I think it must be genetic and something I was born with because despite me knowing it's wrong and I don't want to act on my feelings, when I interact with some people I still get the same feelings of "God this person is weak, I want to crush them."

This is why I recommend people fight back against their bullies. If the person I bullied punched me in the face, not only would I not want to get into a fight (as I mentioned I never physically attacked anyone and never got into fights because I was really good at picking kids who wouldn't fight back) but then I would reconsider whether they were actally weak or not.

[leorocky]

What is end goal of "crushing them?" You want them to stop being weak? You want them to not be in your life anymore? Quit their job, or quit their school?

I also sense weakness, I was in the Marines, and my impulse is also to be tough with "weak" people, but in a avuncular helpful way, leading them to be stronger. You have to give them queues that you're on their side even as you're not putting up with the bullshit. In the civilian world you have less room to do it and you have less of a standing to involve yourself even if you think you ought to. If someone doesn't like my tougher approach, and it becomes a problem, I transform into being the polar opposite, overly nice, very careful with that person. I don't think this would help them, but I can at least build a personal relationship with them that works.

I'd be proud of someone, whether I had anything to do with it or not, if a weak person stood up for themselves. I think bullying just makes weak people even less self confident and even weaker.

[kjackson2012]

I was a child so I had no end goals. I hated their weakness and wanted to make them suffer.

These days, whenever I feel those same feelings albeit a lot more muted, I stifle them because I know I'm the one who is wrong. If I just can't stand being around the person because they annoy me too much, I'm still cordial and friendly but I remove myself out of the situation.

[leorocky]

> I was a child so I had no end goals. I hated their weakness and wanted to make them suffer.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I know you already regret your past, but I just don't understand why anyone would ever think this is the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure my 6 year old daughter knows better than this. It is probably genetic. I think the thing missing here is empathy and there is evidence linking genes and ability to feel empathy.

[kjackson2012]

I'm sure almost everyone knows it's wrong, and I probably knew it was wrong too, which is why I was secretive about it in the sense that I never really got caught by teachers or my parents.

If I were born hundreds of years ago, I probably would have been a very hateful person, burning purported witches at the stake, etc. I'm just glad that I'm not that type of person now and that I was able to be self aware enough to stop my own behavior before it became a pervasive aspect of my personality. To answer your question as to why I stopped, I think I just realized it was wrong, and was wondering what was wrong with me and I didn't want to be that person.

[leorocky]

> I think I just realized it was wrong, and was wondering what was wrong with me and I didn't want to be that person.

I feel this way about things in my past too.

[FD3SA]

This is a fascinating piece. That you still don't understand your motivations is a testament to evolution's sinister machinations.

My friend, you are describing your evolutionary impulses with incredible accuracy. Humans are primates, and primates form social hierarchies spontaneously. Furthermore, tribes of primates must fight against rival tribes for food and mates. Whether you knew it or not, you were on a mission to purge your tribe of weak members, whom you deemed as parasites and liabilities. If they fought back it would mean they wren't weak, and you would be satisfied, as they had proven they could be useful to the tribe.

I would recommend you read Dawkins' Selfish Gene, and a few landmark evolutionary psychology books like The Moral Animal, Blank Slate, Sex at Dawn, and any others that have come out since.

Human behavior is fascinating, and rarely is an extremely widespread behavior (e.g. bullying, religiosity, etc.) prevalent without a strong causal foundation, which very often is linked to increased fitness in an ancestral environment.