| HN Mirror

I think the problem lies in that we often never tell children this, don't support them if they try, and the system in general in its effort to make the problem no longer visible to the authorities (as opposed to actually making it go away) often finds the easiest path is to get the compliant target to shut up about the problem rather than the much harder task of actually fixing it. (They don't even realize that they're doing this... but when the kid's talking to the authorities for the fifth time because the first four didn't do anything, and the authorities give off a "this again? jeez", it's not hard to figure out how pointless the meetings are.) Which, as an adult, I now realize they simply don't have time for, but I wish they'd be more up front about it and let kids deal with that, rather than pretend they've got all the solutions, ban you from doing anything effective, then fail to do anything effective themselves.

I'm a male, and my tormentors were male, and I think that makes this a radically different situation than the linked article. But for me, I'm pretty sure two or three well-placed swings (they probably didn't even have to connect) would have made school orders of magnitude more pleasant for me. I wish I hadn't been raised with everybody around me telling me how wrong that always is, because in hindsight it would have been a great deal less wrong than what happened to me.

So, other parents, I encourage you to take a more nuanced approach than mine did. You certainly don't want to encourage violence for everything and sure, start with the proper authorities, but I would encourage you that if that still can't fix the problem, stand behind your kid if they need to take a bit of action on their own. And please don't teach them complete passivity as the answer to everything. I was lucky in ways I didn't even understand at the time, and my personal psychological makeup was mostly able to withstand this and come out with very little scarring. Don't count on that for your child. I've observed that it's not true of everyone.

Incidentally, I submit as evidence the fact that people even here have a hard time agreeing to this idea. Think about it. You're asking one person to put up with years of physical and/or psychological abuse to save a small set of bullies, who are by definition being bad actors... what? A bruised nose, once or twice? Bruised egos? What kind of fucked up ethical system have you all subscribed to where a bullied person is obligated to put up with years upon years of inescapable abuse rather than throw a punch? Seriously. Please. Think about that for a moment, and stop valuing years of psychological and/or physical abuse at what appears to be "zero"... you are, and I am dead serious about this, part of the problem if you act that way. Bullying is bad. Really bad. Not just "I say the word bad and pat myself on the back for having Good Think", but really, really drive-people-to-the-brink-of-suicide-or-beyond bad. Don't mouth the words about how bullying it bad, act like it!

(And again, if something other than violence works, hey, great! It's not a good first resort. It's not the solution to everything and it isn't magic. But don't act like it's nuclear waste and take it entirely off the table at the cost of years of soul-searing abuse. It's a bad situation and there may not be a "perfect solution", but I find it abhorrent how many people even here would rather see someone put up with epic abuse rather that assert themselves even a little.)