[reason]

No disrespect to Sam in any way -- he truly seems like a brilliant guy with a chorus of influential people behind him -- but I've been on a successful-person wikipedia binge as of late, and it's become very, very clear that a person's upbringing almost determines whether or not they're going to be successfull, which saddens me. I grew up to some very close-minded parents who severely limited my growth, forced me to fulfill their every wish, I couldn't get into a top school, and yet I've always held onto a bit of hope that maybe one day I'll be as great or as brilliant or intelligent as Sam et al. But that hope is quickly vanishing the more and more I read about these individuals' backgrounds. Successful parents (who were likely encouraging, supportive, and open-minded), great schools, achievements at early ages, etc, all seem to be a common thread, and trying to kickstart things again past your formative years seems futile. I don't mean to rant or derail the topic, and apologies if I do.

[incision]

>"But that hope is quickly vanishing the more and more I read about these individuals' backgrounds."

I can relate, I've felt some of that over the years.

Today, I look back at it as self-defeating nonsense that caused me more harm than any shortcoming I was born into.

Less wiki-binging, more doing of whatever it is that gets you an inch closer towards being whoever it is you want to be.

[klochner]

From this week's "Corner Office" in the NYT, about hiring:

What I’m mainly listening for is: Does this person believe things are happening for them, for a positive reason, regardless of what actually happened? Or do they believe that things are happening to them and against them? Do they hold a grudge against events, or do they believe they were a gift?

I’ll listen for whether they say things like, “I’m so glad that actually happened, because I learned this and this.” Or do they believe that there’s sort of a conspiracy out to harm them? Because if you work for me, you’re either going to think I’m here to help you, regardless of what I do, or you’re going to think I’m here to get you. I really don’t want the latter.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/16/business/shawn-jenkins-of-...

[adamio]

Good advice. Treat an interview like a advertisement for yourself, not a counseling session

Interviewer: "Why are you looking to leave company X?"

"I'm so glad I was hired by X, because its a great company and I know what to look for now in other great companies out there"

or

"It's a toxic work environment, and my manager knows nothing"

[eruditely]

What about the third option where things are just happening with no narrative? The most important one.

[nilkn]

Someone once told me that a smile is the greatest sign of wisdom. While I don't agree with that statement literally for various reasons, the idea behind it has stuck with me.

[edw519]

...it's become very, very clear that a person's upbringing almost determines whether or not they're going to be successful...

The old town drunk died. His two sons, the bank president and the new town drunk were at his funeral. An onlooker, surprised at how different the two sons were, asked each one how he turned out the way he did.

The bank president responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"

The new town drunk responded, "With a father like that, how else could I turn out?"

[Gravityloss]

https://twitter.com/ID_AA_Carmack/status/417797539870416897

[yid]

You run the risk of making this a self-fulfilling prophecy. An (economically, educationally, etc.) privileged background increases the ODDS of being successful; it is not a REQUIREMENT for success by any measure. If this is getting you down, I suggest you read some stories about people from the other end of the spectrum ending up at the same place. I don't have any links, but perhaps other people here do.

[soneca]

Well, if you learn about successfull people through Hollywood you would have the exactly opposite bias, that all successfull people came from a tough childhood.

Latest example, James Brown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F_pxMmOG4I (looks like a nice movie)

But you may add others such as Truman Capote, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truman_Capote#Early_life ; Dian Fossey, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dian_Fossey#Life_and_career ; Ray Charles, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Charles#Early_life; Charles Chaplin, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Chaplin#Biography.

[001sky]

Executives are waaaaaaay more succussful than actors in hollywood. And you have none in your list. It might be enlightening to do a demographic study of industry executives and their lobbyists in Washington. And then report back with your findings. =D

[untog]

Executives are waaaaaaay more succussful than actors in hollywood.

In what sense?

[eru]

More money on average?

[untog]

Does that mean they're more successful? Honest question. Millions of people adore Brad Pitt, very few people know who the CEO of Apple is.

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of downsides to being a famous Hollywood actor. But I wouldn't assume success is absolutely all about money.

[wz3chen]

+1.

50 Cent is my #1 role model since he has achieved success despite adversity (Both of his parents were dead by the time he was 8 & he grew up in a rough neighborhood).

[girvo]

And got shot.

Like, 12 times.

So, try not to get too inspired by him ;)

[Killswitch]

Gotta give it to him though, the dude is an amazing businessman.

[brandnewlow]

I experienced a lot of the same stuff growing up. Now that you have a clear understanding of your situation, you can change things, if you want. There's a statute of limitations for blaming parents for things. It's up to you, now. Break the chain.

[kreeben]

"Break the chain" Yes, the parents should have supported OP emotionally more than they did. So, you break the chain because otherwise you will end up just like your parents, and you don't really like those guys, so you end up not really liking yourself and then you are even less likely to succeed in whatever area you want to succeed in.

[Mz]

I suggest you start looking for people you can identify with better who met some standard of success you admire. Madonna is a collage drop out. So is Bill Gates. Altough Gates came from money, Madonna came from a middle class background. There are plenty of people out there who came from "nothing."

I was one of the top 3 students of my high school graduating class -- STAR student, national merit scholarship winner, state alternate for the governor's honor's program, inducted into Mu Alpha Theta in 11th grade (the earliest you can be), etc. I walked away from all that, gave up my scholarship, dropped out of college, did the homemaker thing for a long time. The odds are super high I would have died young had I not made the choices I made. I think I have a bright future but not all of us are best served by big success at an early age.

[eru]

> The odds are super high I would have died young had I not made the choices I made.

Please explain.

[Mz]

A) I was seriously abused as a kid and was quite suicidal for years.

B) I have a deadly congenital condition which was not diagnosed until my mid thirties. Being a homemaker allowed me to take care of myself enough to not die in spite of not having a diagnosis.

Had I pursued a career, most likely I either would have committed suicide at a young age or died mysteriously of my undiagnosed disorder.

[lauradhamilton]

I think there's an element of bias here. A successful person with unhelpful parents isn't going to go around complaining about how unhelpful her parents were.

There are a lot of successful people with poor/tough/gritty childhoods if you dig a little deeper.

[jason_wang]

You should read the book: The Aviators: Eddie Rickenbacker, Jimmy Doolittle, Charles Lindbergh, and the Epic Age of Flight by Winston Groom.

All three extraordinary individuals grew up in near poverty conditions with conservative minded parents. They turned out alright.

Don't dispare. Nothing is futile. You control your own destiny now.

[larrys]

I'm always fascinated how it's necessary to preface one's point by first saying something like this:

"No disrespect to Sam in any way -- he truly seems like a brilliant guy with a chorus of influential people behind him -- but I've been on a successful-person wikipedia binge as of late, and"

[reason]

Fascinating in what way? The guy is smart, successful, and he deserves what he's achieved. That he's found the opportunities he's capitalized on isn't his fault.

[larrys]

Because you said "No disrespect to Sam in any way" trying to head off (I speculate) people's immediate negative reaction in interpreting to quickly what you said as in some way being disrespectful.

As if someone that is held in high respect by the group (or PG) can't ever be questioned as deserving of something by someone else.

As far as this "I've always held onto a bit of hope that maybe one day I'll be as great or as brilliant or intelligent as Sam" have you ever met Sam? Are are you merely going with what others on HN seem to think about him?

I've taken issue for example with some of the things he says in his essays as being simplistic and overly general. One example might be his categorization of business based on his relatively short and very narrow experience in the business world.

[dropit_sphere]

I also don't worship Sam, but even if I were the OP I'd say the same thing. It's just not worth the conversational overhead.

[bane]

If it helps any, there are loads of very successful people that you'll never hear about who grew up very poor or modest and have very much "made it". Not being a public figure is not the same as not being successful.

The very first multi-multi-millionaire I ever met grew up desperately poor. Quit high school in 9th or 10th grade. Tried to become a boxer to escape crushing poverty but didn't have the right build for it. Ended up in construction where he learned to become an electrician.

He started a small contracting company doing electrical work on new construction and now has three generations of his family and a few hundred employees working for him.

As an aside, he has substantial real estate holdings, raises race horses for a hobby (actually he lets his wife do that), lives on a beautiful 50 acre estate with multiple guest houses and a private car collection spread across half a dozen large garages that's got to be seen to be believed and has vacation homes in the places you'd expect people to have vacation homes. He has a skybox at the local football team stadium etc. He's toyed with getting a 100' yacht, but doesn't much like boats.

He's also completely unknown and if you were to meet him you'd think he was a retired ex-boxer construction worker -- real blue collar stuff. Dresses in work clothes most of the time and talks with a bit of the slang that was common when he was young. A google search for his name brings up nothing. His sons and grandkids are all similarly down to earth and work for what they earn and not a one of them would be known outside of the circle they work in. His sons are all at least double digit millionaires, even though they've split the company 3 ways between them.

Another family I know, immigrated from Korea, the father opened a small deli (one of those NYC style by-the-pound places) and his sons all grew up in the family business. The oldest son cottoned onto the family business and grew it, moved it to a better location. He supports his father in a very comfortable retirement, lives in a multi-million dollar 6000 sq ft home in a city next to apartment buildings (so you can guess what the property value might be), his two younger brothers all work at the family business and all live in very comfortable homes. He also has a pretty decent real estate portfolio and is planning on opening up at least 3 other delis in the next 5 years and perhaps building up a brand and franchising them out. They aren't "mega" rich, but they're top 1% in the U.S.

One more.

My father-in-law grew up an orphan at the end of the Korean War. Didn't even finish his 6th grade education. He managed to get ahold of some property and some investment money and flipped it and made some money. Repeat a few years, with more expertise, and he made a tidy fortune for himself. He single handedly supported himself, his wife, 5 kids (all through college), his brother and his similarly sized family...without going into too long a story, he vacations half the year out of his retirement and spends the other half playing Golf...in Korea. He also lives in a multi-million dollar, custom architected showpiece house near Seoul. He's also not findable on Google.

I've since met dozens of other very successful people like this, yachts, vacation homes, private castles, private islands. Not a one of them would be known outside of their immediate circle. Many of them self-made, not from old-money, didn't go to top-tier schools (if they went) and are otherwise successful by any reasonable definition of the word.

Don't confuse "publicly well known" with successful.

[not_paul_graham]

Also I've done similar research to the GrandParent commenter on the internet and there is a lot more to it than just having open parents. A lot of orphans or adopted children are also spectacularly successful. Imagine having to live the fact that your biological parents "abandoned" you or something along those lines. Here are some of those people.

1. Steve Jobs

2. Jeff Bezos (you could argue that he had a relatively healthy upbringing, went to Princeton, etc).

3. Roman Abramovich (probably not most upstanding example).

Other (financially) successful people that grew up poor:

4. Howard Schultz (Starbucks): "Growing up I always felt like I was living on the other side of the tracks. I knew the people on the other side had more resources, more money, happier families. And for some reason, I don’t know why or how, I wanted to climb over that fence and achieve something beyond what people were saying was possible. I may have a suit and tie on now but I know where I’m from and I know what it’s like."

5. Oprah Winfrey (grew up relatively poor, had a harsh upbringing, I think she was assaulted when she was younger?)

6. Luxury goods mogul Francois Pinault quit high school in 1974 after being bullied for being poor.

Here are some more stories from rags to riches:

http://www.businessinsider.com/billionaires-who-came-from-no...

There are also a ton of people that are excellent in their fields (academics / science / NGO founders) who are successful by a different metric (not wealth).

I think the key determinant is to keep trying, keep learning and persevere through stuff life throws at you. It can be difficult in the moment but you need to objectively keep asking yourself what you can do everyday / regularly to achieve what you want 1 year from now, 5 years from now, or generally in the long term.

Also, in the worst case scenario if you are relatively healthy you should be able to get yourself to live a modestly comfortable life and be a successful husband/wife, mother/father, member of community, contributing member of society, etc.

[philwelch]

If you're significantly rich, the thing is you don't want to become publicly known. It's a pain in the ass and delivers almost no benefit to you unless you have some plan for what to do with your newfound fame.

[Moto7451]

Even is this is the case, if you plan on having kids you can certainly do your best to give them the best start (bootstrapping them) so they can have the same advantages.

[avenger123]

Everything you are saying about the parents and the upbringing is true. We always need to put anyone's success in context. It's easy to compare myself and feel less accomplished when just looking superficially at someone's success. When I dig deeper into their history and life circumstances the comparison gets muddier and muddier until it really doesn't make sense.

But.. here is a big but. So what. We don't choose our parents, we don't choose where we are born and we certainly don't choose our innate capabilities.

But we do choose how we live our life and what goals we want to accomplish. I've settled for myself that the chance of me becoming a billionaire or having a net worth of millions is unlikely due to my life circumstances and the things you've described. But the chance of me building a sustainable company that can make me financially independent and give me autonomy is doable. Not easy. Not impossible but in the realm of doable. I'll take doable and work on that. So, I agree with your sentiments but its dangerous as it can become toxic and stop us from doing the best we can, given what we have.

[netcan]

Past performance may not be indicative of future results, now more than ever. I hope that heartens you in some way.

"Upbringing" is a very difficult to isolate variable. It could mean your parents, family, friends and lots of other important environmental features of your life at different stages. In underclass/poverty related efforts it is often considered to be the most important factor. IE, if you are unemployed or working at McDonnalds and your have an uncle who makes good money installing showers and a friend training doing well in IT relocation, you are much more likely to find a path to the middles class than if your friends and family don't give you relatable example of something equivalent. It's very important and the effect is complex. Norms get transferred around the diner table or at the bar. Opportunities get handed. Advice gets given. Ideas seem realistic or actionable depending on the availability of advice and the norms you have been absorbing. I doubt the mechanics of it all can be clearly measured and understood quantitatively but there is lots of evidence that the effects are real and are why we see major economic differences between communities.

What is different today is the internet and that's a big thing. Many of our meaningful, impactful interactions are remote and you can be deliberate about your influences. Ina a sense, this isn't new. There were people who for whom books or paintings by dead people were the most formative influences. But today, those interactions are far more nuanced, warm, immediate and accessible.

Think of it this way: 20 years ago, where would you have gone to discuss your upbringing? Who's opinion would you have access to?

Things have changed. Take advantage of it.

[SkyMarshal]

There's always the possibility for second acts, even moreso in this world where the rate of technological innovation and change is speeding up. But you vastly increase your odds of this by moving to a locale where you have the best odds of serendipity, namely Silicon Valley/SF or NYC. Without going into personal detail, I can guarantee this from experience.

[jonalmeida]

I can't say I completely know where you're coming from, but I can certainly try to imagine. I'm only in my 20s and I look at people younger than me do much more incredible things which get me down.

What changes is that, I hope that knowing all of this (everything you've mentioned included), I can help others not make the same mistakes as me or make them at a faster pace. I think doing that would make my life be worth something more having helped propel truly brilliant people further in their lives. Hell, one of those people might just cure cancer.

[todd3834]

I tend to believe that the desire to be great is what drives successful people. A person's upbringing can often result in their desire to be great but it is not always the active ingredient. There are many people in the world who have had amazing upbringings and more opportunities than anyone else just to end up doing nothing significant in their life. Don't sell yourself short, be great.

[meric]

It might be difficult to become as successful as those people you were reading about, however, it wouldn't be beyond you to become somewhat successful, so that your kids will have successful parents and have a chance of achieving more success than you.

A family's wealth can take more than one generation to build.

[brown9-2]

Look at the current President of the United States. Did he have the type of upbringing you are envisioning here?

[Iftheshoefits]

Yes, actually. His parents were a Harvard alumnus and a mother who was both gifted and accomplished in Anthropology (with a wide network) and the people who raised him from age 10, his grandparents, were hardly "middle class" in the one-breadwinner-midwestern-auto-worker sense of the word. They were at minimum on the affluent side of middle-class.

So, Obama's childhood is not even close to being typical. He started with a leg-up that only got better as time went along. About the only true obstacle in his way has been his race--which is decidedly a huge one to have overcome, especially in America, where racism is still deeply embedded in our society in a number of ways, and was much much worse during his formative years. But his economic and family environment put him way, way ahead of even the typical American's.

[qq66]

How many thousands of people had a Harvard alumnus for a father and gifted and accomplished woman for a mother? How many of those thousands became president?

[Iftheshoefits]

Your second question is entirely irrelevant in the context of this discussion. "Become President" is just not a reasonable minimum measure of "success."

[larrys]

Well fwiw Obama's father did go to Harvard:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama,_Sr.

I'm sure that factored somewhat in Obama getting into Harvard which of course led to a world of opportunities.

[jw2013]

>> "trying to kickstart things again past your formative years seems futile"

The point is almost none of these successes come overnight. Admitted, for example, many of success founders graduated from Stanford. But a lot of them they worked hard in high school to get into Stanford. So you may see A (success), but to get to A, they worked hard on B (some good background to get to A), and to get B they worked hard on C (some good background to get to B). A <- B <- C <-D <- E... Okay, now assume (just assuming, I am not saying that is in fact where you are) if you are at E you might feel A is so far away, and people at B is so lucky to be at B. But if you start doing little things and work hard, you probably (I am not saying definitely because determination is the only factor here) can start to get to D, C, and then B. Who knows? Why not give it a shot? Don't give up. [If you just stare at "A" you probably won't feel you are close, but start with getting to D!] There are plenty of time left. One thing about some media at this age I don't quite like is to idolize those 20-some startup founders, and making it sound like not to be successful at your 20s is a complete failure. That is so not true, there are plenty 40+ internet billionaires out there.

>> "But that hope is quickly vanishing the more and more I read about these individuals' backgrounds."

Does the great background help? Of course. But one thing about the internet age is the cost to start a startup is so low. And you know what the best part is? Pixels don't care. The investors may care about what kind of background you have, but your customers don't. Have you tried, say, make a simple service (e.g. website, or other form even not related to internet) some time? If not, please give it a try. If you never try, you will never fail. And it's okay to fail. None of the startups are guaranteed to be successful. Actually possibly none of your startups will be successful if you are very unlucky. But that shouldn't stop you from trying. Again, don't stare at billion (I am not saying you are), if it helps. That is like winning a lottery, and I don't think that's the right mindset. Do something small. Do something interests you. Build something just because you love building that.

>> I don't mean to rant or derail the topic, and apologies if I do.

Don't be. And thanks for reading all my comments if you made it this far. I hope my comment is not useless. Best luck, man. Don't give up.

[hartie]

Point your wikipedia perusal to internet millionaires and you'll see not much correlation at all.

[gregpilling]

In my opinion you are wrong. Many people use the adversity of their childhood as fuel to drive their adult success. I used that fuel myself.

[yarou]

That's reality, though. The past cannot be changed; the future can be.

[arfliw]

What about Steve Jobs?