[pekk]

Get help, even if just to call a hotline or discuss once with a doctor. HN is a terrible place to get help. There are people with real expertise who can help you and want to help you, you just need to take the help.

Chronic depression is a lifelong problem, but it can be managed pretty effectively. The combination of CBT and meds is well proven with clinical trials and this does not require faith in the treatment. Just your compliance.

Unfortunately it's still your job to start getting help and comply with treatment one day at a time. Nobody else can fix this for you. Do you have something better to be doing?

The more you think you aren't in control, the more you should be following the guidance of a doctor. If you're totally lost you might need hospitalization. If that sounds bad, then take more responsibility for your own treatment.