[throwaway1980s]

> If it were me, I'd probably try grabbing a coffee/tea/beer with him outside of the office

That's exactly what I have done before. I mean, I work with Jerry every day, and we would regularly go out for a beer after work to talk.

In asking about it, the response with "stress, and let's keep it behind us."

Maybe it is stress, maybe it's not, and maybe I am doing something that provokes Jerry unknowingly, but in any of these cases, does it give him the right to respond like that? If I am doing something to provoke him, and he's put in a situation that allows for speaking freely, away from other coworkers, and he still can't tell me what it is, is there any way for me to stop doing it?