[wallflower]

A dating coach has a 3C's rule that rates a venue for meeting women that also may apply to networking for shyer people:

Conversation-friendliness: How easy is it to hold a conversation (no shouting, no loud music, seating (if needed) )

Community - What brings these people to this venue? (e.g. a bar - random dropins vs art showing - people interested in art). A general networking event may rate low on this index but a Ruby brigade meetup (shared interests) may be high

Continuity - How likely are you to meet these people again? How involved can you get?

By this rule, local monthly small entrepreneur, coder, hacker meetups may be a much better use of your time than trying a general purpose networking event. Every time I go to a big networking-type event (where I meet people whose job it is to network), I get reminded that its not really my thing; I really go just to observe how bad/well people can make small talk. It's good practice. If you really want to observe good networkers, go to a political fundraising event (these people are pros, for better or worse).

I have met people at networking events - the key thing is you'll know pretty quickly if you hit if off with someone - the whole point of networking (as explained to me by the best networker I know - a woman president of a tech company) is to setup a "1st date" to follow-up if you hit it off - you don't go to networking events to have a 20-min conversations with one person but to meet a number of potential people who you might hit it off with for lunch or business.

If you go to a networking event and participate, good luck and remember: "One of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity that is already in progress." Basically that means going up to a group of people who are chatting. There are techniques for doing this but theory is cheap, execution counts.

[kirubakaran]

"One of the most difficult social tasks is to join an activity that is already in progress." Basically that means going up to a group of people who are chatting. There are techniques for doing this but theory is cheap, execution counts.

Can you please give some tips on how to do this? This is something I definitely need to learn. A friend once invited me to a programmers/founders meet, which was in a bar. [little dark, loud music] I was a little late, tried "hard" to get into the already chatting crowd. They had formed a tight circle, standing, with their backs to me from every fucking angle. The friend just smiled at me and nodded and didn't do much else. I went around them like a moron, not finding any gap to step in, felt really foolish and frustrated, faked a phone call and fled. In my defense, I think I could have 'got in' only by pinching someone's ass. I rationalized it thinking "Fuck them. I'd better be coding right now anyways."

[wallflower]

> Can you please give some tips on how to do this?

I used to think I was being clever by hovering next to groups when I didn't know anyone - close but not too close so it would seem like I was with that group. Not so - you just look like a wallflower.

It's not something you need to learn. It's something everyone can do. Unfortunately, it is all about commitment. By hovering, you are not committing. You have to be willing to interrupt the group/sidetrack them (although it is better to start side conversations inside the group then to completely derail it).

It is quite a rush/good feeling to be able to approach a group of strangers.

The basic concept is of leadership. If you approach a group of people and just kind of stand there, you're playing a passive role/not taking ownership of the situation. You're leaving it up to the other person to do something - and since they're in the group - they can easily do nothing/blow you off. Believe me, I think one of the most uncomfortable feelings is hovering around groups and knowing that the people in the group know you are hovering.

So, when you have the courage (note I'm not saying confidence - confidence sometimes implies you feel good before you do something whereas with courage you feel the fear and do it anyway) to approach a group - pick a specific person to engage. There is always someone who is momentarily left out of a group - for example, someone might start texting or looking around the room - go to them - pick them to engage. If you can engage them in conversation, you've got an in. And, if you pull more people in the proximity of you who are in the group into that conversation, you start to divide and conquer.

However, if you don't engage them properly and the group kind of stalls [e.g. proverbial music stops playing] - what you have to do is even more courage-taking - introduce yourself to each person calmly but quickly with brief eye contact. In every group, there will be someone who will ask you a question to interrupt you - whatever you do - do not answer the question - if you do - you've lost (e.g. shown that you weren't committed to introducing yourself to everyone). But don't ignore them, tell them that's a good question (whatever it was - even if it was something like - 'what do you want?!') and go on to the next person. If you do this right, you will effectively control the group by interrupting whatever it was they were talking about and making you the focus. The key, once you've done this, is to put the focus back on the group, engage them - get other people talking. By focusing on other people, even just one, you're engaging the principle of reciprocity (e.g. he's paying attention to me, maybe I could pay attention to him).

We all know that it's so easy to meet people through friends (because we're all pre-vetted right?). A good exercise to work on anxiety talking with strangers (which we all have) is to talk to someone at a retail store [ideally opposite sex] and try to get the conversation out of the standard customer-clerk role [e.g. make it personal - ask them why they cut their hair that way].

Actually, one of the best ways to practice what I call social skydiving (I read this term somewhere - very fitting) is to go to a networking event of the type described in the NYT article.

> The friend just smiled at me and nodded and didn't do much else.

The friend could have easily smoothed it for you with a 'X, this is my friend Y.' But don't fault him - he was probably not feeling much like he was part of that "group".

If I were in your situation, after that happened, I would have left the scene momentarily - then gone back in a couple minutes and basically hug the friend and/or put my arm around the friend (yes, its awkward) and then introduce myself. By leaving, you can sometimes reboot the situation enough so an initial bad impression doesn't matter.

[sepa]

It also helps to break the ice with some smart/funny comment at your friend, but also hoping the comment reaches to the others as well. Sense of humor or good observation can be your ticket in to the network.

[cmos]

Rules are, if the friend invited you, and in many cases even if not, they are responsible for being overly friendly and inviting you over and introducing you to a couple of the people in the group. If it's a programmer/founder get together, then in the same sentence your friend should also include a major interest or skill or job you have.

Sadly, many technically minded people are not aware how to be good 'hosts'.

I wouldn't give up though. There aren't many programmer/founder organizations out there. Go again but arrive earlier, when people are just arriving, before the joining of the tight circles (loud bar?). Introduce yourself to the best groomed person you see and then, when your friend arrives, call him over an make sure he knows everyone. It's the right thing to do, and your friend might understand how helpful that can be.

[mediaman]

There also exists the possibility that they were assholes -- most good businesspeople I know are good about letting the new person in.

But in that case given they were who they were, one tactic if you see your friend there is to walk up next to him, loudly say hello and shake hands with him (which opens a crack in the circle as he turns), and then turn to the guy to the left of him, extend your hand, and introduce yourself -- which will force him to open up to you, breaking the circle on the right and left. Then you can do the introductions proceeding from that guy back around the circle up to your friend.

[michaelkeenan]

Depending on the context[1] (i.e. a loud, packed bar is ok), a light-but-firm, non-creepy hand on the shoulder of someone in a tightly packed group can alert them that there is someone behind them who should be in the conversation[2]. When they turn towards you, you need to be smiling and have open body language[3], and greet them with a loud, confident voice[4]. They aren't trying to exclude you; they just probably haven't noticed you, or don't know how to talk to you if they have.

[1] On context: my impression is that the louder the atmosphere, the more appropriate/necessary it is to use body language and body contact to communicate.

[2] Have you ever been in the way of a bouncer or glass-collector in a nightclub? They have a certain practiced, assertive way of getting your attention - usually a hand on the shoulder that isn't pushing you out of the way so much as alerting you that someone's trying to get by. It's like that. (Some bouncers and staff are less polite, of course.)

[3] Open body language is mostly about not having your arms between you and the other. If you're holding a drink, don't hold it in front of you defensively; hold it to your side, and maybe lower than you might ordinarily hold it.

[4] If you're like many introverts, your voice is quieter than you think it is, so you need to overcompensate for that.

[seabee]

Sounds like you found a bad group and/or your presence wasn't obvious in a place like that. If it was a one-off, swap at least one of those problems and try again, otherwise I defer to more experienced persons...