| I've never considered myself crazy, but I do have a very, very dark view of life. Feeling happy happens very rarely, never last more then a few hours at best, and just plain feels weird, wrong almost. A recent medical problem however pushed me over the edge. I want crazy for a few weeks. It was a terrifying experience. While I never heard other voices, I did hear a constant chorus of ideas very clear and very specific and boy did they ever make my usual dark view of life look positively joyous. Added to that was a constant feeling of crippling fear, basically a continuous panic attack and insomnia. That constant chorus of dark ideas was about every negative thing you can think of. It was in a way awe inspiring to see the sheer power of intellect, recollection and imagination my brain had to stitch together these incredibly creative and specific and deeply disturbing thoughts, at the rate of ~ 100 per second. Functioning became almost impossible, and had it gone on for much longer I truly would have lost it. I was afraid to cross the street and come right back, that was a cripplingly terrifying task. I was somehow able to keep showing up at work and could for very brief periods of time almost, just almost drown out the chorus by concentrating on programming. Well I recovered from the medical problems and the craziness passed and I could sleep again and boy was I relieved, but happiness is still not something for me. Except that now I make a conscious effort to be a more positive person. It's not like a hippie sunshine and rainbows thing, I know there is a very powerful and very stubborn and very dark part of my subconscious. But I am not going to let that part of me run things. I make real everyday efforts to be less dark and cynical. And I expect to keep up that fight for as long as I live. There was an article here about how positive affirmations can actually have negative effects for people with low self esteem. That rings very true for me. But I will not be dissuaded from trying to change. My superego is just as stubborn as my id, damn it. The human brain is very flexible and how you view yourself and what you do can and will strongly influence who you are. Just like long hours of sitting will mess up your lower back, if you just let your negative tendencies flow unchecked in the long term that will fuck up your personality. Don't do that, make a conscious effort to better yourself. Even if you're a darkly cynical bastard like and me. |
Your point about trying to be positive strikes a chord also. Folks who know me just a bit or only professionally consider me a relentlessly cheerful, encouraging person. I've always got something great and positive to say about a situation, no matter how bleak it is. In part, this is because just about anything is better than what I feel inside, so I'm able to spot the positive pretty easily. Also, it's partly an effort to will a certain view of reality into being. Nothing's great until someone labels it such.
The folks who really, really get to know me tend to get worn out once I let down the shell and let them see a bit of what's going on inside. In dating relationships I try to ease the other person into understanding how I get by, but even so, there comes a point where they "get it" and you see how disappointed they are. I've found the best approach is to just tell her that I have dark periods when nothing I say will be useful or productive, so I'm not going to say much.