[Q4273j3b]

Whoops, you're absolutely right about the 30k. I'm leaving my poor arithmetic up there for posterity.

So. So so so. First of all, I gotta say, you are very good at writing how you feel. Which is quite the nontrivial thing. People are gonna jump all over you for your very admirable tour de honesty. Don't let the turkeys get ya down (as my mom always said).

Second of all. It sounds like you are in a bona fide self-loathing free-floating ambition doom spiral. (I am no stranger to them myself.) And as though your usual way of caring for your soul in pain is to sit on it firmly until it stops screaming. So, speaking of souls, & their care and keeping, I think you should get a book called _Care Of The Soul_ by Thomas Moore and read chapters 3 and 9 in particular. Also if you can get your hands on _The Power Of Myth_by Joseph Campbell, that one's not bad one either.

Hang in there, unknown internet buddy. I believe you when you say it's not about the money. But---if you'll allow me to be a little crude, here---greatness is not some constipated stool than we can anger-push out of us. First we gotta linger for a little bit with the Dulcolax of philosophy.