[girvo]

I'm 22. I have 6 ex girlfriends, and a lot more girls that were not a proper relationship, but for the sake of argument here, we'll call them exes.

I deal with this problem simply. I delete them and remove them from my life. There have been no exceptions.

I've run into one or two of them around town, said hello, and went my own way.

It can be done, oddly enough. But then, I don't ascribe any meaning to deleting someone from Facebook. I have 100 people in my friends list, and I'd invite every one of them to a party.

[papercruncher]

That system breaks down if you start dating from within your social circle (friends of friends). I know you'll tell me it's a big no-no but you'd be surprised how much more common it becomes as you get older

[eshvk]

Very true. It becomes harder especially if the breakup is messy. As a friend you are forced, like it or not, to choose sides. As a person in the relationship, you are in the awkward situation of knowing that some of your friends are going to side with the other person and so on.

[girvo]

Oh definitely. Thankfully I've stuck to friends of friends instead :)

[Subuatai]

I personally would prefer to be friends with exes. I don't understand why people find it so hard to go from dating to freidship. Of course it's awkward at first, just like your first date was awkward, but you push past it if its someone you'll enjoy in your life.

[eshvk]

> I don't understand why people find it so hard to go from dating to freidship.

You must not have a large sample set to work on then. A friend of mine came out of a two year relationship where his ex slept with a close friend. Sure it is "awkward", sure they have a lot in common. However, why does he need to go through all the pain in order to be friends with her (or maintain a friendship with the other friend for that matter)? There are millions of people out there to be your friends, your lovers. Delete, walk away works just as easily.

[Subuatai]

I don't have the largest sample set to be candid. I should have specified that I am speaking specifically about relationships that end on good terms and both people make a sort of unspoken pledge to live their lives as if the other never existed. If the relationship ended in an ugly manner, all bets are off.

I'm going to digress a bit and talk about your friends specific example. First and foremost, if someone is sleeping with your girlfriend when they know you are dating, that person isn't a friend, let alone a close one.

In your example I would argue your friend clearly still cares about his ex if it hurts him to be around her. So maybe learning to forgive and having her back in his life as a friend wouldn't be the worst thing.

Obviously there are a million fish in the sea but there isn't a limit on friends. I personally had a bad breakup where I wrote the ex out of my life but I have now forgiven her and wish we could be friendly. But I certainly don't blame anyone for breaking off contact with an ex who cheated on them.

[girvo]

I understand your position, and felt that way when I was first dating. My first girlfriend slept with a friend of mine and I tried to be amicable about it. She then resented me for being the bigger person.

As someone else said, there are 7 billion people on earth. I'd rather make new friends than try to hold on to something or someone that has fucked me over.

Please excuse the language

[eshvk]

> I would argue your friend clearly still cares about his ex if it hurts him to be around her. So maybe learning to forgive and having her back in his life as a friend wouldn't be the worst thing.

That is stretching the English lexicon when it comes to the word "care". Having positive emotions for someone is not the same as having negative emotions for them.

> "forgive and having her back in his life"

I dunno. I feel like a major boundary was violated. A friendship or anything really works on the basis of boundaries not being violated. Sure, sometimes mistakes do happen. However, to forgive requires the other person to be aware that a boundary was violated and be ready to take steps to fix it. I feel like our society is too accepting of the word "sorry" and too easy with using it. Sometimes "sorry" just doesn't cut it.

[wavesounds]

Well that is an extreme example. Most relationships don't end that way. I'm friends with all but one of my ex's and consider them good friends, I couldn't imagine deleting them from my life, that seems so immature.

[girvo]

I see it as less immature, and more making strong decisions about how I want to live my life, and who I want to share it with. :)

[wavesounds]

Perhaps you are right, maybe in a few years I will have changed my mind on this

[girvo]

Because four of of the six fucked someone else while dating me, and felt not once ounce of remorse.

Thankfully I'm a bit better at picking someone to commit to these days.