[intellection]

Mental health professionals saved my life. Do you have any experience with professional help? Are you comfortable repeating what you said here, but with a counselor / psychologist?

Maybe feel a little bit of pride, because you are emotionally aware of dangers of causing harm to yourself and or others, and care enough to ask for help.

Help to share and solve your emotional state, is exactly what you need to ask for, so I feel glad you asked HN as a comfortable place to start.