[brandall10]

Just to be clear - these weren't people I randomly met going out. Most of them started as friends from college, friends from work, friends of those friends, etc. This was a big social circle that was fairly consistant/intact for a period of about 5 years. We did most things together and from an outsider's perspective we were close knit. But really the glue was we partied well and we did it often, perhaps a vibe of mutually ensured self-destruction.

While it produced some of the most exciting moments in my life and most of us acted like we really cared about each other, it just felt forced. Personal bounds were loose. Rumors/talking smack was common. It was caustic and emotionally draining. I didn't realize it much while it was happening because it felt awesome to have this big group of cool friends, but after some time you just realize you feel like total crap - basically you're surrounded by all these people yet you have no one to talk to because whatever you say can be used against you.

[sigkill]

I've noticed that it's hard for me to join a group of people that has more than 2-3 people. Thinking back, throughout my entire life, I've always been in groups of 'only' 2-3, or 5 people tops. I tried doing the whole 'going out of your comfort zone' and getting into groups which had 9-10 people but the vibes they gave were exactly like you said - superficial. You had this constant feeling that the other people weren't above backstabbing/trampling you over to achieve their means. It felt kind of hollow, and I slowly started to drift away from them to meet others.