[solatic]

There's a huge difference between learning that your colleague also happens to play chess, and sharing the vulnerability of how you handled personal grief in your life.

Your workplace is a community, not a friendship circle, and not a family. Community life has always had a certain level of formality to help paper over the differences between people in the community while still fostering a positive, inclusive environment.

[annzabelle]

I think that's something people have increasingly forgotten. My grandparents were active in their church for decades. They didn't talk about my grandmother's serious mental health struggles with the other parishioners.

People in the past had stronger community institutions, and I think a part of that was that nobody expected to bring their whole self to bowling club or the neighborhood potluck.

[vel0city]

It's a balance though, isn't it? Like, sure, don't bring your whole self to every single bowling game, you're there to bowl so focus at the task at hand. Nobody is going to have a good time if every bowling game devolves into every little emotional issue anyone in the group is having.

But that doesn't mean those relationships originally started at the bowling club need to stay purely about bowling, a big part of community is to then open up when the context is right and when the other person is open to the sharing. It's how you grow your community, how you grow your circle. Don't expect every person in your bowling league wants to become your best friend ever, but it's also not healthy to assume that everyone there only ever wants to just bowl and only cares about bowling.

I've had a lot of people from work relationships that stayed purely work relationships. I've had some become friends. I've had several become important people in my life. If I forced myself to silo off work contacts are only ever work contacts, I don't think I'd be nearly as happy as I am today. I know I'd be a lot more lonely and probably a good bit less successful.

We talk about this huge loneliness epidemic and yet so many people are like "I would never talk to my fellow coworkers about anything personal, ever." Huh I wonder why we're so lonely. We're all convinced we shouldn't be personal with the people we spend a massive amount of our lives with.

[solatic]

I don't think you're fundamentally disagreeing. Your work community can be a source of friendships (and sometimes but more rarely, more than friendship), but you shouldn't confuse the two. Finding out your colleague also plays chess can segue into an invitation to play chess outside of work, and launchpad that into building a friendship. But that's not the same as playing chess together at work (get back to work?), let alone being emotionally vulnerable as an intentional part of building relationships with people who you're trying to trust with that vulnerability.

The latter sounds good (if you could have that with your colleagues, then it can only help, right?), but then again, the linked article is literally about someone violating that and firing the subject of the article. It is simply not possible to build emotional intimacy with every coworker, let alone under forced circumstances, so attempts to do so are more or less predictably going to lead to pain.

[vel0city]

> Finding out your colleague also plays chess can segue into an invitation to play chess outside of work, and launchpad that into building a friendship.

Yeah, but if you make a point of never shooting the shit with your coworkers how will you ever really come across this kind of info?

I do ultimately agree forcing this kind of thing isn't usually good, and it definitely sounds like this retreat went sideways due to poor management. People probably shouldn't be doing things like keg stands at a company retreat, management should have stopped things well before people were pressured into such activities. And yeah, a company-wide forced "tell everyone your darkest secrets for trust" thing, forget that you're only going to get a watered down example. Management shouldn't be putting people in that kind of position.

Goes back to my point, things need to be balanced. It's good and healthy for a workplace to help people form these kinds of friendships in small nudges, but overly forcing connections that aren't forming naturally just isn't good. And excessive drinking at company events just leads to issues, that's for sure.

[annzabelle]

I mostly feel that people should be more selective about who and how they open up to in general in life. There's a lot to talk about that's not your past experiences with depression, and those don't need to be talked about to 99% of people, and discussing them too early is an easy way to burn bridges before they're even built.

I definitely talk to my coworkers about what I did this weekend, or travel, or the weather (I'm halfway around the world from my home country, so comparing the weather is a constant topic of conversation). I have a coworker I carpool with and we talk some about how I'm settling in to life here. But, I will never discuss my history of mental illness with any of these people. At best I will make a vague allusion to seasonal blues.

[jamesfinlayson]

I once had a coworker tell me about his young son's circumcision. Not really something that should be discussed in the office...

[annzabelle]

My high school government teacher told us about his vasectomy.

Not related to the thread but your comment just reminded me of that.