[threethirtytwo]

I would also recommend you not lecturing other people and posturing as if your superior. The way you said it puts yourself above him and is condescending to him directly. You don't lecture strangers this way so why do it here? It's because you're protected by anonymity. You know what you say can piss people off but you say it here because the consequences are minimal.

It's ironic because an outside observer sees what you say as reasonable and mature but that's just posing because the statement only appears that way because they are not the subject of said statement. To put it simply, imagine you went to your boss and politely asked him to "Please be more mature when talking to others, it will make your life better."

Do you actually think saying that will improve your boss's life and make him thank you for such advice? No. It incites more conflict because of the condescension.

And here's the thing. You're perfectly aware of this on a certain level. Everyone is on some level. They say it because they WANT to be condescending, and at the same time they are unaware that they want it. It's subtle but I'm doing it too, right this instance.

A better way to say it is: "Hey, no offense, but personally when someone says the word bro to me, I personally don't like it, if makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy to have this discussion but I don't like that word. And that's just me" This statement removes the condescension and statements of immaturity and advice about his life.

Anyway I'm saying all of this to you to tell you that I AM being 100% condescending to YOU because I SAW what you said and it was completely obvious to me how directed and deliberately condescending it was.

[blanched]

I think it's a little different because:

1. This person is asking us to use/try their product. Very different from a boss/subordinate relationship.

2. This is Hacker News, which has a certain tone and intention. I might text in lowercase and slang with my friends, but I try to write a little more thoughtfully here. This is just one person offering advice on presenting yourself when presenting a product. Not to mention that they politely hedged - "not a big deal", "I would recommend", "it comes across". The OP is free to disregard.

[threethirtytwo]

You just need to think of it like this. Anyone telling you to "be more mature" isn't going to be your friend. You're not gonna go "Oh you're right! thank you for teaching me how to be more mature!" You're gonna be resistant, abrasive and angry.

The approach he took was condescending and has zero effectiveness and everyone knows it if they think about it. If he truly wanted someone to change he would not have said it that way. It's a tactic what he did here.

>"not a big deal", "I would recommend", "it comes across"

These are hedges for you as an audience it makes the statement appear reasonable to you and NOT to the victim. The statements are useless to the victim. Imagine I said it to you: "It's not a big deal but you don't come across as intelligent when you say things like that. It comes across as very immature. I would recommend reading some self help books on how to be a better person."

You don't say the above to anyone without starting shit. Like try saying that to any member of your family or your friends. Nobody says that shit because they are perfectly aware it's fucking useless and there's gonna be huge consequences. But as an audience member looking on say someone else agreed with you that the person was being immature and heard you say that. Usually they may miss the deeper analysis and just think about it on the surface level that the statement looks reasonable because they agree with it.

Take the time to think a bit deeper and you'll see it's bollocks, statements like this start shit, they don't do anything more than that because humans don't take criticism that way. It doesn't matter if this is "hacker news" or not. Human psychology is human psychology.

[tyre]

I gave feedback on how someone comes across and recommended how to fix it. What the OP said was obviously passive/directly aggressive. They can take or leave the advice.

Your imagined scenario seems mostly fine, though I did give more direct advice than “go read some books.” If someone in my personal or professional gave me that feedback I might feel self-conscious, but I’d also appreciate it!

You seem pretty worked up over this. Maybe a good time to step back from the computer and consider whether it’s worth the emotional energy.

[threethirtytwo]

>I gave feedback on how someone comes across and recommended how to fix it.

Give that feedback to your mother and your best friend and you know how they'll take it. You know that shit doesn't work.

You didn't give any feedback. You're playing a dominance game. Feedback is only camouflage. Just like how me calling you our for this isn't really feedback either. You're not going to turn around and say lesson learned. You're going to be resistant. You're going to play a dominance game. First rule is to play it cool and call the other person emotional and tell them to calm down, check out exhibit A:

>You seem pretty worked up over this. Maybe a good time to step back from the computer and consider whether it’s worth the emotional energy.

Totally wrong. I barely feel anything. I'm just lecturing you and calling you out. This costs me nothing. What you're doing here is another dominance game, very tactical and calculated. When someone is clearly distressed and you call out their distress as invalid ("calm down") and that kind of shit... it's deliberately dismissive and never works.

What you should say is: "Hey I'm sorry, I shouldn't of said something that was so abrasive that got you worked up." That statement actually works. Validating someones distress is how you end someones distress, not dismissing it. But then you know this, that's why you don't play these games with your friends or your boss or your parents.

>Your imagined scenario seems mostly fine, though I did give more direct advice than “go read some books.” If someone in my personal or professional gave me that feedback I might feel self-conscious, but I’d also appreciate it!

Oh so you talk like that to your friends, mother and boss? Good to know.