[digitaltrees]

Why such a strong reaction? Do you think good leaders exist?

I have received multiple emails from alumni thanking me for my leadership, mentorship, and the culture I created. Leading is a skill like any other it can be improved with practice and I have worked hard at it.

My team has no problem disagreeing with me and knows I don’t want sycophantic agreement, they know that even if I ultimately make a decision I will consider all opinions and have seen me change my mind in response to a direct report disagreeing with me in public.

There are known mechanisms to foster a safe and effective environment like that such as separating people from ideas, removing consequences for failure and commitment to experimentation.

[keybored]

There’s not much to it. There’s a difference between performed N and N as reported by the performer.

[mettamage]

Why reach for a gun? You want to kill people that proclaim to be better leaders because of a self-help book? I know people drew guns for less but this is the first time I am reading something like this on HN.

I’d suggest you’d read a few books so that you don’t have to reach for your gun but can use your words instead. Though the moment you’d claim any of those books helped you will be a bit of an ironic moment but so be it.

I recommend Non-violent Communication by Rosenberg for you. It got me out of a few pickles (arguments). Also going to a meditation retreat helps.

[keybored]

Thanks for the laugh wizard of Metta.

[digitaltrees]

You shouldn't laugh off the recommendation. That is a good book. I haven't read it personally but it affected my life deeply.

My wife and I both grew up in physically violent homes. My mom read that book and taught me and my siblings the lessons along with others. And my children have only ever experienced shouting or physical violence when they went to their grandparents house.

I understand you were using that phrase as hyperbole and did really mean it but there is a lot of evidence that the language we use shapes our prefrontal cortex and limbic system responses in every moment. By using that phrase you're subtlety sending your body and brain and anyone that read that into an anxious fight or flight response. That shuts down the ability to listen, persuade or connect. It triggers defensiveness, avoidance etc.

So even though you have a valid point lot of bad leaders exist, and often claim loudly to be good leaders with no self awareness of their actual weaknesses. Its hard to listen when a rhetorical gun has been drawn.

[keybored]

Thank you for a thoughtful reply. To my reading you demonstrate that you listened, even though I didn’t give you much to work with considering my curt[1] comments, and these resources look helpful.

But I don’t understand the problem with this phrase. Maybe it’s an ESL (second lang.) issue, because I have only read one author that I recall that has used this phrase (poverty of stimulus?). But to my mind it isn’t even hyperbole. It’s just an expression saying “I am on my guard now”. Which means that you are skeptical, maybe even cynical. Yes, the immediate interpretation is that someone is reaching for their holster—not to shoot but to anticipate an ambush. But even that is just, you know, colorful in this context. In this context I am intending to express that I am skeptical. Not that someone is trying to fool me. But I am on guard against just taking someone’s experiences at face value; that their lifeworld is such-and-such is not even under debate, that is fine and no one is doubting that. What is under doubt in this context is what the proverbial room looked like when only one out of five people reported on it. Does that make sense?

[1] in sense 1(a) according to Merriam Webster

[digitaltrees]

You’re welcome and thanks for being open to the conversation and clarifying.

I get that an idioms in a second language can be hard. “I reach for my gun” is an idiom but among the more aggressive range. Not quite true fighting words (which a reasonable person would interpret as an indication of imminent threat) but close, especially with the amount of gun violence in the US.

But as I said I heard your valid point. I would be curious about your experience with leaders. What has your experience been so far? What have you identified as effective and ineffective traits?

*(notice I don’t say good and bad because those words often have a value judgement or moral implications and influences people’s cognition. If I say a “bad” boss someone might think corrupt, evil, dishonest etc. someone might think lazy, too friendly, stupid which don’t have the same moral posture).

I ask because I am always interested in learning about how leadership is received in the world so can improve.

One of the most challenging realizations in my life came from band of brothers the hbo show. Everyone thinks they are captain winters but I saw more similarities in myself to the ineffective leaders (especially the guy that disappeared randomly); and had to do a lot of work to improve

[mettamage]

Makes sense.

> But to my mind it isn’t even hyperbole. It’s just an expression saying “I am on my guard now”.

I'm Dutch, so English is a second language. I started at 7.

To me it comes across as hyperbole or something literal. Maybe different for native English speakers. Though I haven't heard my American family in law using it. And they say, to take some inspiration from you, all kinds of colorful things and I'd expect them to say stuff like this.

I don't live in the US with my wife though, so maybe I didn't have enough interactions with them. I will ask her.

[mettamage]

> That is a good book.

I remember I had a bit of a relationship crisis with someone. Just learning the 10 min. TL;DR of a good friend of mine who was well versed in it helped a ton. Later I read it twice.

Sometimes I think I can get away with and flow on intuition. In tense conversations that sometimes go sideways and then I notice I have to use this way of communicating in order to keep things from not spiraling out of control and ultimately resolve things.