[donatj]

I turned 40 the other day.

There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter. I remember waking up in strange places. I don't know when that all ended. It ended.

I had a friend describe middle age as suddenly being able to see the outline of the cage. It's apt.

I'd have liked to have gone to a real college, had the college experience. I'd have liked to have mended friendships.

40 has such a strange loneliness to it, I take solace in my children. My friends had children years before me and it made friendships tiring. The age gap in our children now that I have my own has not helped.

I spent much of the last decade collecting retro video games. I have a room full of them. It came to me recently, I don't think I actually enjoy games. I enjoyed playing them with friends, but by myself they're hollow. I don't play games with friends anymore. When my kids get a little older we'll have fun.

I've had Damien Rice's "Older Chests" playing in my head on repeat despite my best efforts to drown it out.

I am in therapy, but I think I have just too strong of a mask for anyone else to truly pierce.

I'll get out of this funk eventually, I should take this as a wake up call.

[matwood]

> I'd have liked to have mended friendships.

It's never too late to call someone and tell them you appreciate them. It may not make you best friends again, but as long as you're both still breathing, it's never too late to reach out.

[donatj]

The friendships I'd like mended need more than reaching out I'm afraid.

[andruby]

Turned 40 too recently.

I have a much more relaxed feeling than I had 2~3 years ago. I am content, even happy, with the life choices I made. My family and I moved from Europe to South Africa, and while that has made the work side harder, the life side is so much better. Kids love it. They go to a much better school. We live outdoors most of the year. We hike. We sport. I took on surfing.

Like others have mentioned: reach out to those friends. Just a "Hi, how are you? I was just thinking about you and wanted to hear how you've been" can be the simple ice-breaker.

You're about at the half-way point for your life: what gives you joy? (playtime with the kids? learning a new hobby? ...?) do more of that! What gives you anxiety? (work? new boss?) figure out if you really need to spend time on that.

There are a thousand books about these things, but it's not really rocket science. Accept who you are. Accept who other people are. Make changes if you want.

[ericmcer]

Only 39 but definitely relate.

From 18-28 life was sharing apartments with various friends just wiling our time away working easy jobs, rock climbing, video games, girls, etc. Then the looming pressure of "you are wasting your life!" drove us all into serious careers and relationships one by one.

Is it societal pressure that pushes us out of that life? It would be considered an "empty" existence, but being a part time bartender who just meanders around and spends time with friends/family until their time is up would be a weirdly buddhist lifestyle.

[imafish]

In the blink of an eye you'll be 60, looking back thinking where the last 20 years went. Make them count :)

[CarlJW]

Thank you for sharing. Not yet 30 here, but I can feel myself getting older under the stresses of life. It's an uncanny feeling.

We all have different experiences and lessons. One of my most freeing realisations came after a bad breakup. It was that what I had wanted and persued was born out of the attachment to, and loss of what I had had as a child.

It opened my eyes to the idea that what was familiar to my childhood might not be what would be most enjoyable or rewarding or suitable for me. It allowed me to let go of that narrow ideal and embrace the possibility of a radically different life.

Not long after that I met my now Fiancée, who was from an entirely different culture, who I never would have considered in my subconciously narrow mindset of a "type" before.

I can relate to what you said about games. My friend ran a small server for our friend group in the early days of Minecraft. Logging on after school to hang out and build stuff together was a special experience. Special because it's not likely to be repeated. Cherished memories. I don't play now because I think I'm too busy and think I can't afford the time. It's hard to switch off that voice. You need other people for that.

I also feel that there isn't enough time to do all the things. Then one day I got a piece of paper and drew a little picture for each experience that I have tasted. I realised that many of these had been dreams at one point. Or ideas with aspirations to become proficient in. But looking back at it all on one page gives a nice feeling of contentment and accomplishment.

I often observe that a goal or dream has come true in its own time. Most often after that goal or dream has left my mind or active plans.

In the middle of my page of drawings I wrote the words "You have time." I look at it often.

[thinkingtoilet]

I'm 43 and I'm about the happiest I've been in my life. I say that not to boast, but to say that putting some sort of restriction on your life because of your age is a bad way to frame things. It's never to late to try and build something that brings you joy. I've found my people where I live. I make an effort to see people and go out. The vast majority of weekends my wife and I are at home but we make an effort to host fun parties a few times a year. I find having a fun experience like that once every couple months does wonders for my mental health. Yes, I am very tired some times. And at this age, sometimes it will take 2 or 3 days to recover from a "late" night (that term has changed dramatically as we've aged). This isn't drinking related, I just can't sleep past 6:30 am.

It makes me so sad to see people basically give up. Therapy is a great start. You only have one life. Get out there and live it!

[agumonkey]

May be the shock of a realization, but not the actual realization. Yeah life moves in strange ways, time is gone but you also learned some, when the pain settles you may have a clearer and more colorful mind. The brain has often the ability to readjust. What are the odds of having the best life all the time ?

[stopyellingatme]

I hope you find peace. Give yourself some grace in the meantime.

[justonceokay]

> I think I have just too strong of a mask for anyone else to truly pierce.

And a flair for the dramatic!

[donatj]

If I can't be dramatic in my midlife crisis, then when?

[all2]

A mask and a Carrera will lend plenty of drama. The question is "what kind of mask will you wear while driving the Carrera?"