[registeredcorn]

> Being genuinely interested and sharing experiences and common interests and learning from each other are good reasons though.

(Not OP, but interested to hear more)

In terms of motivation, do you know of a way to begin a sincere and genuine interest in others that doesn't have some ulterior motivations? That may sound kind of mechanical, but what I mean is roughly something like: "I don't know people, so I do not have any 'genuine interest' in them. As a result, any interest that I do have is insincere."

I chose not to have friends for several decades, which has been extremely convenient for the most part, except for tasks that require more than one person, or work-related situations. Not having to worry about offending people, remembering birthdays, messing up my own plans for the needs of others, etc. was very burdensome. However, being able to use people as a job reference, or getting leads on future opportunities from people I used to work with would also be beneficial so I can understand why people would expend the effort. However, retaining a friendship solely for those job-related purposes seems grossly manipulative because there is no sincerity in what I want from them. I do not want them I only want to extract what they can give to me.

Is it simply understood that, if you make friends with someone as an adult, it is inherently with ulterior motivations in mind, whether it be to avoid loneliness, get work-related benefits, or extract knowledge from them? As a child, I think people tended to make friends simply because they were bored and the person seemed neat. Is that why people still try to make friends with people?

[bitexploder]

A genuine relationship is not transactional. I never expect anything out of a friend, or anyone really. I will simply give them my time, advice, or help because I choose to with zero motivation beyond it making me happy to know I could help someone in some way. I have limits, of course, but I never expect anything in return. It is as simple as that. Some of the time I ask friends for help or they offer it. I don't expect it or do anything in particular to encourage things out of them. A good friendship revolves around the common ground in that space. You like working on cars. You like talking about it and spending time on it. They like the same things. So you spend time on that thing together for no particular reason other than it being more interesting to do with another person.

We live in industrialized society, it is highly dependent on a vast ecosystem of other humans doing specialized jobs. To have a genuine interest you just decide to have one. Why do people choose the hobbies they do. Why this software project over that one. Why do some people like this car or that other car. What motivates people. If you ask people will almost universally be happy to tell you about things they care about. You don't need any particular reason. The fact that you are on HN indicates you at least nominally are interested in others.

I think some rare people genuinely are just happier off in a cabin in the woods, mostly independent of other humans, but we are generally not evolved that way. We simply have a vast amount of chemical and mental machinery dedicated to experiencing life as a social construct and system. Also, having friends to avoid loneliness is that exact machinery we evolved. It isn't required in any logical sense, but in a very real physical sense our bodies and minds reward us for socializing.

[musicale]

> A genuine relationship is not transactional

But helping other people often brings happiness on its own.

[bitexploder]

That is kind of the point. Doing something for no extrinsic reward. It is a part of practicing gratitude and expecting nothing in return (from the other person). If you experience genuine joy or happiness from helping others I think you are doing alright :)

I helped because I could and I wanted to. It makes me happy to help other people. Happy is a loaded word anyway. What is happiness? Some bits of chemicals in our brain? I have trained my reward function to be happy for something it gets no real material or survival benefit from. Maybe it thinks it is getting some benefit in my default mode network. I help people and they will help me? I am sure the DMN sets forth that narrative at some level. But there is a deeper trick to all of it in which I know there is often no survival or conscious narrative benefit. I just did a pro social human thing. Maybe the hormones that generates are enough to convince my DMN to keep doing it? Maybe if you wire your empathy centers deeply enough to experience things through other people you can convince your DMN it is valuable. IDK how it works, I do meditate on it. But mostly it is just about connection and helping people on their journey through life as countless others have helped me. I figure if I end it with having helped others more than I was helped that's a pretty good score. Sort of like the seinfeld quote about driving a porsche: Having the lowest mileage Porsche when reaching heaven signifies a failure to enjoy life, which is considered one of life's greatest sins?

something like that maybe? Who knows. I am going to keep putting help others mileage out there until my time is up, I am very fortunate in this life.

[shimman]

You need to go to therapy and speak to a professional about this. Choosing to not have social connections is a deeply anti-human behavior, we were evolved to be social creatures after all.

Maybe you are truly asocial, but you come across as someone severely stunted emotionally if you think companionship means always extracting value out of someone.

[anthonypasq]

Your primary motivation for having a friend is that you enjoy being with them and talking to them. thats it.

[Nition]

Most people want to spend time with others in the same kind of way they want to eat food or sleep or watch a movie. It just seems to be built in. People who appear to have ulterior motives are treated suspiciously. Some people seem to need a lot more social time than others, but most people desire at least a little bit of human contact.