[bpatrianakos]

Just over a year ago my favorite uncle died suddenly in a freak car accident. Besides his immediate family, my mother and I were the very first ones to make it to the hospital where he was DOA. They took us in to see him one last time before he was sent to the morgue or wherever they take the bodies of those who die in the hospital. Everyone says great things about people who are recently deceased but I must stress that he was an extraordinary man. Really. And I thought that long before he died. Seeing his lifeless body there was shocking. What got to me the most was seeing the lifeless expression on his face. He was a man who was always smiling and more full of life than anyone I've met. The contrast between the live man I knew and the heap of dead flesh I saw will stay with me forever.

From that day on I have thought about death at least once a day since and always remind myself that every fear I have and every psychological block that keeps me from being who I want to be and doing what makes me happy is an illusion. It's not real and it can't hurt me. But it also reminds me that my hopes and dreams are meaningless too. But if I'm going to be alive I might as well live happy regardless, right?

Unfortunately, the problem is that knowing this has not changed my behavior. There's this weird mental barrier between knowing you have a short life and need to really live it and actually doing it. And so despite knowing this truth and coming to realize it in such a traumatic way, I still don't live it nearly as often as I should. I suspect many people are like that. I don't know why that is but I hope someday we can figure out how to go from knowing how we need to live to really doing it in a real way.