[hank1931]

Love the Mitch Hedberg reference! Thank you! Always good to get a little Mitch!

‘I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.’

‘I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.’

‘I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.’

‘I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.’

[paulirish]

"I was going to get my teeth whitened but then I said, fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead."

[alsetmusic]

"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Goddamn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!' 'Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus!' One of those two doesn’t sound right."