[morkalork]

My parents and my spouse's parents were all in their late 30s having children, now we're in the same position due to infertility and now finally going through IVF. We're happy it's working but at the same time it's sad knowing they'll grow up never really knowing their grandparents.

[conductr]

The grandparent situation is sad af. It's also pretty sad being a mid-40s year old dad that doesn't have the energy to keep up with their kid. I pitched a little league game yesterday and it wiped me out. Also, the fact I (and you) will not know our grandchildren very well also is quite sad.

If my son has his first kid the same age I had him, I'll be in my 80s when that kid is starting little league (or that age). Then, factor in the fact that I don't know of any men in my family that have lived past 80 and it gets really grim. They were all heavy smokers and drinkers I remind myself with fingers crossed.

The most sad part for me, is I realized by delaying parenthood - I was just being selfish - and the net result is I minimized "shared time on earth" with the person I love the most. It's easy to say I wouldn't have been a good parent or I wanted X job/income first, but it's all just excuses and selfishness.

[lurking_swe]

As a soon to be father, all i can say is don’t do this to yourself man! Remember to give yourself grace and kindness. You made what you thought was the best decision at that time. Maybe it was sub-optimal, but don’t try to min-max life. The “what if” game can be a fun game if it’s done with curiosity, but don’t let it consume you. just isn’t worth it.

[morkalork]

>by delaying parenthood - I was just being selfish.. I minimized "shared time on earth"

Exactly. My advice to anyone is not wait. If we hadn't, we would have found out sonner that we needed to go through that process. It's not a "wake up and schedule an appointment tomorrow" kind of thing, it's a treatment of last resort and you can burn years trying, going through evaluations and alternatives first.

[conductr]

Yeah I give same advice, if you know you want kids and found your partner just start soon. We didn’t have many fertility issues just weeding out some unfortunate genetics, but I’ve seen people try for years and it’s really taxing on both the individual and relationship.

The stuff we weeded out was on my wife’s side and the boy ended up being my clone. We joke about it as if we weeded out all of her genes. Even small things like his cowlicks and how his teeth are coming it are exactly like mine which I never would have expected to even be possible (I never gave it much thought tbh)

[greygoo222]

If you had kids earlier, you wouldn't get more time with the specific person you love that is your son, you'd get more time with a different son. No doubt you'd love your counterfactual son too. But you shouldn't feel bad for having done any wrong by your real kid. This is the only timeline he could exist in.

Bit of a thorny philosophical argument, maybe, but reasonable in this case.

[conductr]

Have considered that as well but shared time with that person would have been more and I would be none the wiser to the actual timeline, so I feel it’s appropriate to treat them as the same “child” instead of theoretical kid vs actual kid and how I’m happy I waited because this kid is so cool, pretty sure I would have felt the same towards the other kid (who knows maybe not but even if he was a jerk of a kid I’d assume a delayed child would have also been a jerk too)

[1659447091]

> ...but shared time with that person would have been more

Sticking to the philosophical arguments, having the kid at any other time, even earlier would not guarantee more time with them. It would have drastically shifted your life events which could include ones that possibly shorten it.

[conductr]

Time and guarantees are oil and water, it’s without saying. I don’t even know if you’ve lived long enough to witness this message I’m writing. I’m writing it anyway.

Maybe he was born 10 years earlier and I die in a car crash on the way to the hospital. It’s possible of course I only am alive because I wasn’t on the way to the hospital. While I agree with you on a philosophical point, sure, the fact is I was the one actively choosing to not have kids yet and waiting for some later date. So, I was in much more control of the situation than this philosophical hypothetical or alternate timeline. So, having regret or sharing what I learned from choices I have made still seems like the best choice. I don’t live by thought exercises.

[1659447091]

> I don’t live by thought exercises.

But you live with regret and rumination and thinking up possible future scenarios; that and "living by thought exercises" are two sides of the same coin -- if not the same side. Which is what the argument was meant to playfully point out, in its round-a-bout philosophical way. You can get up to thinking of all the sci-fi timeline altering stuff of the past the same as you can carry regret from thought exercises directed toward future events, thus getting in your feels and self-berating.

It is all thought exercises. The other option is to release the burden of guilt and simply enjoy the timeline you have now. Kids sense these things that their parents carry. Anyway, in no way was I implying your experience or feelings or sharing is wrong or judged