[DieErde]

    It’s the relationships, stupid

But is it relationships with just anybody? Or relationships with emotionally healthy, intelligent, adventurous people who share my interests?

Maybe I have to climb Maslow’s pyramid to be compatible with those?

[47282847]

I believe it’s a lifelong journey towards healthy relationships with anyone. We don’t start there, and we might never get to the finish line. That includes non-violent boundary setting; not friends with everyone, but relationship. Soft boundaries, where you neither cling on to something that was but no longer is without the need to blame self or other, nor you avoid contact with something new and unknown. To let go of the fight against personal limits and circumstances one cannot change. Not at once, and not without testing, but layer by layer.

Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way. You can invite people to your personal adventure, and be part of theirs, for as long or short as it serves the both of you.

[DieErde]

    Everybody is adventurous; each in their own way.

This is actually a common statement people make with whom I feel bored. I call it the "evasive defense".

Me: "Let's fly to Paris tomorrow!"

People: "Nah, I'm fine just doing what I did the last 3650 days. I wonder how I deal with this issue I have with my boss at work. That is enough adventure for me."

Me: "Trash the job! Let's start a startup!"

People: "Nah, that is not for me. The benefit-to-work ratio at my current job is just too good."

[rendx]

Have you actually shown genuine interest in their adventures, or is it you who defines what is adventurous and what is not, and not see that they defend against your interests, and by that protect their own? Why do you feel the need to make decisions for them? Is it you that is unhappy about their choices, or is it them? (How did your parents react to your wishes and desires? Was your autonomy celebrated, or dismissed? Do you find yourself subordinating your own interests below those of others, and say yes to things you would rather say no to?)

    “NO is always a YES to something else.” - Marshall Rosenberg

I've been to Paris often enough, no thank you. And I prefer to go with people that respect and celebrate my autonomy. I wish you a good trip though!

[DieErde]

I'm not making decisions for anybody. You can stay at home and watch your garden grow. Fine with me. I described what type of people I like. And that those are rather the pyramid climbers.

[47282847]

Things I consider most adventurous: Facing past trauma and healing from it, including coming to terms and re-arranging family relationships and other social relationships without causing harm. Taking responsibility in the world, both for past actions and future ones. Raising children with unconditional love. Settling conflicts in ways that result in a good outcome for everyone involved. Arranging life in a way to make these activities possible.

None of those adventures involve pyramids or startups, but a lot of courage, energy, and dragons.

I wonder how much you know about what people consider their own adventures, and how many they have had to face. Like divorce. Or sudden loss of job. Real world stuff.

[matwood]

Some empathy for other people would go a long way.

[DieErde]

I agree that more empathy would enrich mundane interactions.

But I also think it is worthwhile to look for other adventurous people with whom I can share my own interests.

[matwood]

Adventure can take many forms, you just have to look outside yourself to see. For example, I’ve flown to Paris many times, that’s no longer an adventure for me (though I do love visiting the Louvre any time I’m in Paris). Finding adventure and interest in everyday life whether it’s traveling to a new place or visiting my local coffee shop is the real adventure for me. So many people are amazing, but you have to be curious. I wish you luck on finding whatever it is you’re seeking.

[Throaway1985123]

K but the person in his example said he was fine doing the same thing he had been doing for the bast decade, not that he didn't want to go to Paris cause hed already gone there. People enjoy their little ruts because they dont want to leave their comfort zone.

[eternauta3k]

This is something I keep thinking about: the spectrum between sainthood (selflessly hang out with the poor/uninteresting/selfish/etc) vs selfish optimization (becoming more interesting/pretty/rich/generous in order to have access to nicer people)

[rendx]

From my own experience, and yours might differ, I typically don't find that pretty or rich (or any other such attributes) make for more interesting and nicer. Why is it either selfless saint or egocentrism? You can do both!

[RugnirViking]

I imagine the person is talking about optimising along the lines you personally value for. Some people may value being with other interesting people (and being interesting themselves), wheras others prefer to be around smart people, or beautiful people, or rich people. Many see some of these desires as misguided or foolish or vain or whatever (often when it conflicts with their own values), but it is true that at least some people seem to want these.

[rendx]

My point being: If you value hanging out with people you don't like, it's still "selfish" (revolving around your own values).