[menaerus]

And

  It is now the only software in the world still written in C89.

Hilarious.

[throwaway2037]

But wait, there's more!

    > Predictive SELECT Statements:
    > Added the PRECOGNITION keyword.
    > SELECT * FROM sales WHERE date = 'tomorrow' now returns data with 99.4% accuracy by leveraging the built-in 4kB inference engine. The library size has increased by 12 bytes to accommodate this feature.

12 bytes really sounds like something that the lead dev would write!