[nunorbatista]

For reasons that don't matter, I've had to live with a 25-yo since summer that has ADHD and anxiety diagnosed by a therapist. Two main issues I see in her behavior: - She changed therapist twice until she heard what she was looking for. She said she was looking for a compatible "therapist". - The fact that she was diagnosed was a relief to her because now she can just offload any responsibility. Forgot to do something? It's normal, that's my ADHD. Not in the mood to go and work tomorrow? that's my anxiety kicking-in.

There's just no hardship anymore and her life is not even that stressful. It's just easy to come with that and give excuses.

The issue is: I want to be sympathetic to her condition and help, but it's really hard to don't sound like I'm judging. I can't just challenge a behavior because she is already doing the best she can. It's like there's an invisible ceiling.

PS: I'm only 12 years older than her.

[rixed]

I've seen similar behavior. I can understand that the relief that comes with having finaly a label put on the box one feels trapped into; But then the goal should be to climb out of that box. A diagnosis is only good if it helps fight the condition, after all.

I believe the issue is more broad than that though. I believe the issue comes from the very strong belief in our modern world that our behavior, our ideas and moods are what we are, what we have always been and always will be. That comes with our global theory of mind that one's character is given once and for all, from birth to death. I insist that this is a belief that is not universal, for some other cultures ideas and moods are transient external inhabitants of our minds. And indeed, people do change along their lifetime, and sometimes immensely; once you have witnessed these changes a few times you start to realize how even conditions that are usually considered impossible to cure, can actually be fixed.

[em-bee]

the issue comes from the very strong belief in our modern world that our behavior, our ideas and moods are what we are, what we have always been and always will be. That comes with our global theory of mind that one's character is given once and for all, from birth to death. I insist that this is a belief that is not universal

i would go a step further and argue that this belief is simply false or bad. it traps us, and makes us unable to grow. we should aim to reject this idea with a much effort as we can.

i have commented that about this before:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44361344 this belief is used to excuse bad behavior. it also takes away agency and hope from those who want to change.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38562701 human nature is often used as an excuse for bad behavior

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38300344 we risk misusing this belief as an excuse not to support people to do better because we lack the belief that they even could do better

this last one is particularly concerning when it comes to an ADHD diagnosis. not that the diagnosis is wrong, but the diagnosis combined with the belief that we can't change. we need to change our attitude and trust that even a person with ADHD can improve. it's just harder. and ADHD diagnosis should guide us in how to best help that person. it should not be used as an excuse to give up.

[rixed]

I wholeheartedly agree; But I also understand why, to those failing to change (or to change as fast as they would want), it can sound patronizing to hear that "it's all about your mindset". It's important to start by acknowledging the circumstances that can make it hard to improve before encouraging someone to fight them.

It's not only about personality disorders by the way, as you said it also applies to behavior. I've seen people who were total sociopaths when young (incl jail time) turn into good members of society much later in life. And I don't want to advocate for leniency here, at the contrary I believe it's important to set the expectations straight otherwise it's easy to learn how to game the system.

I wish there were more movies/books showing how much people can change and what can shape those changes. There are a few, but that really goes against the flow of good vs evil in our tradtional story-telling.