[zahlman]

> Why would you refuse a request to state your preferred pronouns?

Because I reject the underlying conceptual framework, as well as the worldview that makes such a "preference" important or valuable.

> If you're asked and refuse to say, how are people to know which ones to use?

By making their own judgement, as is everyone's natural right.

It is simply not reasonable to demand that others see you as you see yourself. It is correct and just that people are permitted to see others as they will.

When we speak of "pronouns" in this context, we speak of third-person pronouns. Therefore, it is inherent to the concept that I am not privy to the discussion when they are used to refer to me. To refer to others in third person, knowingly, in front of them, is in my view at least unprofessional and likely rude — as it entails speaking on that person's behalf.

[shadowgovt]

If someone guessed wrong (say you had long hair and they assumed you were a woman therefore and used female pronouns when you use male pronouns for yourself), would you correct them?

If not, you're quite unusual but I can't argue that.

[zahlman]

As it happens, I do get thus misidentified (per my self-perception) fairly often, because I use a female-presenting avatar on some social media (it relates to prior work). If I notice, and it seems like the other person might care, I do explain; but this is never with any offense (because I have taken none) but only amusement or confusion ("zahlman" matches s/(?<!wo)man/ and I'm not looking at my own avatar generally). I can't recall anyone ever persisting in such "misgendering", but I would not care.

For all I know, countless people refer to me with female pronouns in discussions I can't observe. I get the impression that many people are constantly bothered by such a possibility. I only ever think about it when this exact discussion comes up, and then I simply do not care. I consider that the people in those discussions have the absolute right to do so.

Speaking of which, I have had this exact discussion many times in the last several years, and it's only because of the asking-about-pronouns culture that this is possible. In the decade or more that I knew transgender people in my life before that, none of this mattered and I could get on with my life, and have the same friendly relations with transgender people as cisgender people. There is more social friction now than there was then.

[shadowgovt]

> For all I know, countless people refer to me with female pronouns in discussions I can't observe.

Do you think you might feel differently on the topic if they did it continuously in discussions you can observe and when you tried gentle correction you were met with overt hostility?

[zahlman]

The situation you describe is entirely inconceivable. I have knowingly had transgender people in my life for about two decades. I have never seen a "gentle correction" "met with overt hostility". I have only ever seen acrimony in explicit debate spaces, when people chose to make object-level examples of themselves for emotional appeal. And people simply do not "continuously" refer to other parties to the discussion in third person, at all.

[shadowgovt]

In essence, you don't see this as a problem because it doesn't happen in the polite society you surround yourself with. That is a fair observation.

[zahlman]

I see no reason to believe it happens anywhere else, either.