[kashnote]

Love all of these tips. I've hosted dozens of events since moving to NYC and figured I'd add 5 more:

1. If this is a dinner party (or people are all seated), force people to get up and move in a way that they'll meet new people. Do this when you're about 2/3 of the way through the party. Some will complain - do it anyway.

2. Plan 1 (ideally 2) interludes. It can be a small speech, moving people around, changing locations, having people vote on something, etc. For whatever reason, they make the night more memorable.

3. Do your best to make introductions natural and low-pressure. Saying things like "you two would really get along" can put pressure on people - especially shy ones. Bring up something they have in common and let them chat while you back away.

4. Go easy on folks who cancel last minute. They often don't feel good about doing it and you don't want to add more stress to them or yourself.

5. More music != more fun. Some music is good, but if people can't hear each other, turn it down.

If you're interested reading more about this stuff, read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker.

[xhrpost]

I feel like hosting in NYC is even more of a public service given that space is limited and not everyone has a living situation suited for it. Props to you for making it happen. Been doing what I can here as well. Cheers!

[NaOH]

>1. If this is a dinner party (or people are all seated), force people to get up and move in a way that they'll meet new people. Do this when you're about 2/3 of the way through the party.

Better, I've found, for compelling people to interact with others they may not know, is to assign seats. This enables separating couples or others with a preexisting connection. The act of eating offers the benefits of a subject to discuss (if needed) and makes it so it's acceptable to periodically look away from the conversation partner. Just note that depending on the size/shape of the dinner table, it may be necessary to think about who people will be seated adjacent to and seated across from.

[jimnotgym]

It used to be custom (in high society, not anywhere I have dimmed) to sit boy girl boy girl, and for ladies to talk to the man in their left during the first course, right during second... to keep a balanced conversation going

[arethuza]

I've been at posh events (e.g. silking dinners) where there was a fixed seating plan but then the ladies moved around before dessert.

NB Such things are really not my natural habitat.

[knollimar]

Is it not rude to separate couples?

[cafard]

When arranging seating for a dinner (not that often), we tend to separate couples. And when at someone's house when there is not pre-arranged seating, my wife and I tend to sit apart.

Stendhal thought that the 19th Century French custom that married couples should attend the same gatherings had harmed the quality of conversation. I think he said this of the Empire.

[arccy]

probably depends, but couples already have all the other times they can be with each other

[littlecorner]

Until kids show up lol

[phito]

1. Maybe it's a cultural thing but it sounds like hell on earth to me. I'd be the one complaining and probably will not show up to the next party ...

[spiralcoaster]

That makes two of us. I've never heard of (or thank god, been to) a party where a host is forcing people to move around, especially in an unnatural way. Nothing feels like a forced party more than, well, forcing.

[toast0]

> I've never heard of (or thank god, been to) a party where a host is forcing people to move around, especially in an unnatural way.

You've never been to a party where you had dispersed throughout the location, and then the host gathered you to eat a meal or a cake (possibly singing a song prior to distributing the cake)?

[philipallstar]

> You've never been to a party where you had dispersed throughout the location, and then the host gathered you to eat a meal or a cake (possibly singing a song prior to distributing the cake)?

This isn't "an unnatural way". I don't know what the point of mischaracterising the previous comments is.

[vasco]

Calling for dinner is one thing. Forcing seating or forcing rearrangement sounds lunatic but I'm happy I can choose friends well enough that nobody ever tried. Most points in the original article sound crazy to me as well though.

[bigstrat2003]

I think a lot of stuff is cultural. For me, I detest music at social gatherings. I'm there to chat with people, not to listen to music. Music, for me, can only be neutral at best (and more often it detracts fun), not a value add. My wife, on the other hand, considers an event "like a funeral" if there isn't music playing. Just different cultures. Sadly, it means stuff hosted at my house doesn't ever align with my preferences, because happy wife and all that.

[BowBun]

She's right though, when's the last time you've been to a public gathering place that hasn't had background music? It doesn't need to be loud, but without music if there's a natuural lull in the conversation it can just be a little awkward haha

[Mashimo]

I like to dance, I often invite DJs to my parties. But when no one ones to dance I turn to music down. Can't force them.

But I think it's a personal preference, not culture. Is there a culture where they don't listen to music at all?

[brazukadev]

> Is there a culture where they don't listen to music at all?

I don't know if there's one that dislikes music but Brazilians definitely like it more than other cultures, music is everywhere here, sometimes a bit too loud

[Kiro]

I don't understand the idea of the host forcing interactions like this. I think the best party is when the host is just another attendee.

[Cthulhu_]

Sure, in an ideal situation people would naturally mingle, but a lot of people are shy or will just stick to people they know, which makes it less valuable as a social event.

[Doxin]

As someone with a medium amount of social anxiety: for the love of god, arrange for excuses for me to talk to people. I cannot just walk up to people and start a conversation. If your party does not have reasons to talk to people I will not and just end up feeling like a third wheel.

I'm sure there's plenty of people who are naturals at parties, but for those who are not it's very nice if the deck gets stacked in favor of new interactions.

[BowBun]

#4 has been tough for me - I take it semi-personally, as a sign of disrespect. I get that everyone has things going on. That said committing to an event where the host spends time + money to prepare forand then not going just seems so rude to me.

I try not to give folks a hard time, but after a couple strikes I just won't invite them anymore. It's not worth accomodating people who regularly flake, they can hang out with other flakes.

[elzbardico]

Usually, people who don't want to go to your party will find an excuse as early as possible to decline your invitation in order to avoid unpleasantness and awkwardness for themselves.

Assume that the vast majority of people you properly invited and that RSVP you DID want to go, even if they flaked at the last moment. Yes, there are some inconsiderate bastards out there, but there's a big subset of flakers that do feel guilty/regret not going, far more than we can imagine.

You need to understand that in the great schema of life, parties for the invitee are always at a lower priority compared to work, health and family issues: A single guy may have finally got a date, a mom can be having issues with their kids at school near exams period, someone may be anxious after a not so great feedback at a work 1:1 with their boss and decided to polish their resume.

And besides life stuff preempting party attendance, there are a lot of other factors. Some people you invite may have been raised in an environment where, due to poverty, immigration, family issues, they were never really in too many parties, and thus, while they may wish to enjoy your party, they may become too anxious to attend what is an unfamiliar experience to them.

Depressed, low esteem people, for example, will have a big probability of believing that your invitation was not that serious, and that you only invited them out of politeness. Actually, you don't even need to have depression issues in the mix for that to happen, some cultures have a marked tendency to avoid directness in communication, and for those people, if you don't have a close connection to them, or if they perceive you as higher status than them, they will believe your invitation is not actual for real, and they are not really expected to attend.

So, for some of those people I think that is worth your effort insisting more than twice, maybe trying to make they really feel welcome and needed a bit more.

It may sound crazy and counter-intuitive, but sometimes, just sometimes, some of the people who flaked do respect you more than some of the people who went and just wanted to have a good time for free.

[singleshot_]

> You need to understand

The least persuasive phrase in English

[douglee650]

Don't take it personally; not inviting them after a few times is enough.

[frankdenbow]

Get up and move is the best thing to do, there was an article on HN with the correct algorithm for this but cant find it.

Having a follow up email with everyones contact helps a ton.

I've also given people a prompt of what the question is to ask to get the convo started when people move around. Let people focus with 2-3 people listening mostly to the story of one person.

Many friendships/teams started from these tips!

[ubermonkey]

I'd push back on aggressively "managing" where people sit and with whom they interact.

[rsanek]

The Art of Gathering is great. I found it actually helped me be a better guest, too.